Getting married seems like the ultimate goal for everyone. However, life is not always rosy. There are some storms too.
The life of a married couple isn’t always full of rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes it feels like an uphill climb. And when that happens, resentment can creep in and destroy everything.
So, here are a few tips. But before that, let’s define what resentment is.
What is Resentment?
Hurt, disappointment, wrath, or any other negative feeling that lasts for a long time is resentment. It usually doesn’t go away on its own; instead, it builds up and expands.
As the resentment grows, it becomes increasingly difficult for the partners in the relationship to demonstrate love and empathy for one another. It is due to the unspoken and unacknowledged sorrow they are carrying around.
As a result, the most destructive feeling in any relationship, including marriage, is bitterness.
What Causes Resentment in a Marriage?
Resentment in a marriage can develop for a variety of causes. However, it typically occurs when one spouse perceives themselves to be more loving, attentive, and “present” in the relationship than the other.
If left untreated, it can develop into contempt, which occurs when two people have complete scorn for each other.
Here are some common sources of marital resentment:
1. Needing to be right all the time
Resentment is likely to grow when couples regard their partnership as a rival rather than a teammate. They will resent each other if they are constantly striving to “win” an argument and be “right.”
The marriage does not become productive when one or both partners are exclusively concerned with their own demands. Instead, both people must consider their partner’s needs to be at least as important as, if not more important than, their own.
In marriages, people are prone to being lethargic. They think to themselves, “Oh… I’m married!” I don’t have to perform any work anymore because I already “have” them! However, this frequently leads to a great deal of neglect – both of your spouse and the relationship.
Nobody likes poor treatment, but it happens in far too many marriages. Physical, emotional, and mental abuse are all forms of abuse. When someone gets assaulted, resentment is almost inevitable.
5. Ignoring the feelings of your partner
This is linked to selfishness since you would pay attention to your spouse’s sentiments if you were not selfish. However, if they constantly express their feelings and are ignored, resentment will develop.
6. Cheating or Betrayal
The phrase “forsaking all others” appears in marriage vows. So, if one spouse betrays the other by cheating (either physically or emotionally), it’s understandable that feelings toward the cheating spouse turn negative, causing animosity in the marriage.
What are The Reasons for Resentment in a Marriage?
Here are six frequent issues that might lead to resentment.
1. Having to be always correct
It comes across as arrogant when someone insists on being correct all the time.
Make a case for your right to do things your way. Don’t wait to speak up; don’t let your feelings linger. The longer you wait, the more animosity will build up, eventually exploding in an argument about trivial matters.
2. Using others for personal gain
Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes if you think they’re being selfish.
Some people were never taught proper etiquette as children. Others had to deal with childhood trauma that forced them to prioritize survival and their own needs.
Use “I” sentences to gently explain the person how their behavior makes you feel.
3. Feeling slighted
Insensitive statements and taunting irritate me. You should be aware of your trigger points. Some people unwittingly cause us to become enraged.
Consider the person’s intentions to prevent animosity from developing.
However, if another individual is aware of your triggers and deliberately stimulates them, your resentment could be a message.
Please don’t dismiss the messenger. If a buddy consistently dismisses you, it could be a clue that they are not a good person to have in your life.
4. Expectations that are unrealistic
Considering the nature and behaviors of others with clear eyes can help you avoid emotional anguish.
Instead, try changing your expectations. Your partner could be expressing gratitude in a different way.
5. Being unheard
When you’re conversing in the morning, does your significant other appear far away? Don’t take things so seriously. Listening is a challenging task. You should expect to have to repeat your message.
Later, leave a voice mail or text message and summarize what you meant to say.
6. Being always late
You may believe that someone doesn’t care about you since they are never on time.
It’s tempting to be late for them, but it simply adds to the conflagration. Explain how their tardiness makes you feel and what you require.
Then create firm boundaries. Tell the other person how long you’ll be waiting and have a contingency plan in case they’re late.
A shift in mindset can also help. Consider the other person’s tardiness as a reflection of them rather than you. Being late could be due to their own habits or nervousness, rather than a lack of regard for your time.
It could be an attempt to alleviate tension by constantly rushing into the house “for one more thing” or becoming sidetracked by insignificant things right before you must leave.
You have the option of not being emotionally harmed or roughed up by any of it.
How Do You Stop Resentment in a Marriage?
Stopping resentment in a marriage is difficult, but it is possible. However, for any of these suggestions to work, BOTH persons must be completely dedicated to mending the marriage.
Here are some suggestions for preventing resentment in your marriage:
1. Don’t try to hide or deny your emotions
People sometimes don’t even acknowledge their own emotions. They may have grown up in a household where expressing one’s emotions was frowned upon. So, attempt to connect with your feelings so you can be clear about your position.
2. Clearly and Directly Express Your Feelings to Your Partner
You must inform your spouse after you have worked out how you feel. Nobody can read people’s minds. That may seem self-evident, yet some people have trouble picking up on other people’s cues. As a result, express yourself clearly and directly about how you feel and what you require.
Related: 6C’s of A Happy Relationship
3. If you’re holding a grudge, make a list of the reasons why it’s not helping you
When people are resentful, they frequently hold grudges against others. Grudges, on the other hand, have never, ever healed a connection. So, if you find yourself burying your emotions, write down why this isn’t a good idea.
4. Make a list of reasons why you should forgive your partner
In some cases, animosity in marriage stems from a minor issue. It may not appear to be insignificant, but it could be. It’s a good idea to write everything down and see what you can let go of and forgive your husband for.
5. Don’t involve others in your negativity
Many people feel compelled to vent their animosity toward their partner to their closest friends, relatives, or anyone else who will listen. But consider this: talking to other people isn’t going to solve your situation. Not other individuals, but your mate.
6. Try to empathize with others
Empathy is the act of attempting to understand a situation from the perspective of another person. It’s challenging enough in normal conditions, but it’s far more difficult when you’re resentful. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t attempt. Always keep in mind that there are two sides to every story.
7. Concentrate on the positive aspects of your partner
Isn’t it true that your spouse must have some redeeming qualities? I mean, you married the person, so I’m sure you have some fond memories of them. So, instead of focusing on what you think is wrong with them, concentrate on what they have going for them.
8. Consult a therapist if necessary
Many couples are unable to overcome animosity on their own. In these situations, seeking the assistance of a knowledgeable specialist is beneficial. Having a neutral third party assist, you in resolving your issues can mean the difference between saving your marriage and ending it.
10 Healthy Marriage Tips
A healthy marriage takes effort, but it is doable. There are things you can do to have a healthy marriage, just as there are things you can do to have a healthy physique. Here are ten marriage-strengthening suggestions:
1. Spend Quality Time Together
In order to flourish as a couple, married couples need to spend time together. Schedule date nights and weekend activities on a regular basis. If a retreat isn’t attainable right now, set a goal for yourself to strive toward. Spending time with your partner can help you better understand your differences and how to deal with any issues that arise. Forget about the “quality vs. quantity time” debate; happy marriages require both.
2. Acquire Conflict Resolution Skills
Any relationship will experience conflict at some point. However, there is a point at which the intensity rises to the point where it becomes emotionally and occasionally physically dangerous. Understanding what your difficulties are and how to express them is the first step in resolving problems in a relationship. Many materials are available to assist you in learning how to deal with conflict. Using these resources can help you, and your spouse maintains a sense of safety.
3. At all times, show respect for one another
When a couple fails to respect each other, they are more likely to fall into bad habits. Criticisms and put-downs, according to research, are the most damaging to a relationship. Your relationship will be strengthened if you treat your partner how you would like to be treated. Complimenting your partner is a simple and effective approach to show them that you care. When you’re tempted to tell someone about one of your partner’s weaknesses, think about how you’d feel if they did the same thing to you.
4. First, learn about yourself
Make it a point to work on your own self-awareness. Many partners enter relationships with insufficient knowledge of themselves. As a result, it may be difficult for them to learn about their relationships. Learning more about yourself will help you improve as a person and as a partner. There’s always more you can discover about him or her, no matter how long you’ve been together. What are his future ambitions? What is her greatest phobia? Imagine the bond you’ll have for the rest of your lives if you commit to learning new things about each other.
5. Investigate Intimacy
Intimacy in your marriage can take your relationship to a whole new level of pleasure and intimacy. It’s crucial to keep in mind, too, that intimacy does not always imply sexuality. The emotional element of closeness is sometimes overlooked. Creating a secure space for your spouse to express his or her emotions without fear of criticism or scorn is an example of emotional closeness. Learn how to distinguish between emotional and physical intimacy, as well as when each is most appropriate. When you give one type to your partner when they need the other, it might cause troubles in your relationship.
6. Look for shared interests
When two people have similar interests, they thrive as a couple. This does not guarantee that each spouse will like every activity, but it does allow for more sharing and compromise. While doing things separately isn’t necessarily a bad thing, having common interests is essential for a happy marriage. Cooking or trying new foods together, going for walks, or playing cards could be a shared hobby. The goal is to have something you can both enjoy outside of your family.
7. Establish a spiritual link
When two people share a spiritual connection, it might bring them closer together. You can accomplish it in a variety of ways. For example, it could be through a religious affiliation such as a church, synagogue, mosque, meditation, or simply spending time in nature or close discussion.
8. Enhance your communication abilities
One of the most important aspects of a happy marriage is the capacity to communicate and listen to one another. Never presume that your partner understands what you’re thinking or feeling. Tell your partner what’s going on and know when to just listen as a spouse. Learning to truly hear your spouse is a skill that can take some time to master. There are numerous materials accessible, including books, workshops on marriage education, and online courses. All these strategies can assist couples in improving their communication skills.
9. Be forgiving to one another
Your companion will do something to hurt, annoy, or upset you if he or she hasn’t already. What’s more, you’re going to do the exact same thing! After a disagreement or misunderstanding, it may even be done on purpose. Because no one is flawless, forgiveness is a difficult but necessary virtue in marriage. Allow your spouse some leeway to make a few errors, as you will undoubtedly make some of your own. When you make a mistake, instantly apologize and correct the situation. It will aid in the encouragement of forgiveness and the strengthening of your marriage.
10. Seek out the best in one another
You fell in love with some of your partner’s excellent qualities when you first met him or her. However, your opinion of such qualities may have shifted over time. When you first met, he might have been very good at saving money. You just think he’s cheap now! Give each other the benefit of the doubt and make a list of all the qualities you admire in each other. It will assist you in falling in love once more.
The Bottom Line
Resentment can destroy your marriage. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. The tips provided in this article can prevent that from happening. So, if you are having problems in your marriage and looking for a way to save them, try these suggestions and see if they work.
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