As if dating wasn’t hard enough, one has to also deal with gross trends that would make anyone swear off the hunt to find Mr. Right forever. Such a trend is roaching, which aptly justifies its name, as the one doing it, is no better than a cockroach or a bug.
If you are on a blind date and think that you are hitting it off with someone, it is always wise to remember that your partner might have several other “yous” at the same time and you might not be that special to him as you might think. Being a new fling, he is obviously, not obligated to reveal this very important detail about his dating life, which means that there is a possibility that you might never find out.
The term ‘roaching’
To highlight the gross aspect of the dating trend, experts came up with the concept of “roaching,” which immediately reminds one of bugs and pests. Only in this instance, you cannot grab the Raid and spray away the disgusting dating trend.
‘Roaching’ refers to the action of hiding the fact that one is romantically involved with multiple people from one’s potential love interest. “Roaching is a dating term coined that refers to someone that is sleeping around with many,” says Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking. She added that you could “realize there are, in fact, many” partners even if you’re aware of just one other sexual partner.
“[The term] comes from the ickiness of seeing one of these nasty little bugs but knowing when you turn the lights on, there are lots of them,” explains Trombetti.
Are you being roached: Here is how you can find out
You don’t have to wait to get roached as you can spot such pests from miles away. From not choosing to give you the time of the day to avoiding serious talks with you, there are some pretty telltale signs that can give a roach away.
Not keeping plans:
Somebody with the intention of roaching will always tend to wait for “better” plans to come along with someone else they’re seeing or sleeping with. As a result, the plans you try to make with him, might more often than not, not get fulfilled. “You can tell if you’re being roached if you feel like the person is not really available or present for you, and very private about certain details,” OkCupid dating coach and host of “The Dates & Mates Podcast” Damona Hoffman told New York Post.
Avoiding the serious talk:
If you are willing to have the “Where is this relationship going?” talk and he just keeps on finding ways to deflect from the same, chances are that he is still not serious about the relationship. If every time you mention the term “exclusive” he runs in the opposite direction, there is a distinct chance that they are having some fun on the side or browsing multiple options simultaneously in the dating game. Trombetti says while there is still a chance that he might “fall for you,” do not bet on it and don’t wait too long.
Keeping you at bay
If other love interests are in the picture, chances are that you will start to feel “uneasy” because your date is always keeping you at arm’s length. “While they might like you a lot, they like lots of others, too,” says Trombetti. Red flags include new partners taking a long time to respond to texts or not picking up if you call them out of the blue. “They’ll be very protective over their phone and not keep it connected to their car or have their notifications turned off so there’s no chance you’ll see them pop up on the screen,” Hoffman told The Post.
What if you find out that you are getting roached?
No matter how gross it might seem at first, it is important to remember that being roached is not the end of the world. And it certainly does not mean that you have to breakup with your partner right away. It is not technically cheating if any of the individuals in a non-exclusive relationship is engaging in roaching. The real problem arises when the person carrying out the roaching is dishonest about it and hides the same from his partner.
“In the beginning of a relationship, daters always run the risk of being roached,” Trombetti explained. “There is this gray period where it’s too new to be exclusive and your new love interest may be seeing others. It’s almost to be expected.” However, if the roaching continues beyond a few months and there does not seem to be any end in sight, it’s time to move on.
And in the light of the current ongoing pandemic, having a wholesome picture of what your partner is up to behind your back is more important than ever, for the sake of both of your sexual healths. Director of Relationship Science at Hinge Logan Ury said, “If either of you is sleeping with someone else, the other one deserves to know. That’s especially true with COVID thrown in as an additional complicating factor.”
Ury added that it might also be the perfect time to evaluate if both of you are on the same page mentally and emotionally. “Even if you’re not concerned with putting a label on it yet, it’s important to talk early on about where you are and where you’re headed,” she said. “If someone doesn’t take you seriously as a potential partner, and that’s what you’re looking for, wouldn’t you rather know that sooner than later?”
Plus Roaches, Hoffman said, burn wild but fast. “People who treat dating apps like their own personal candy store can only keep the momentum going for so long. After a while, they will slip up, burn out or actually catch feelings,” she explained.