Have you found yourself bickering with your partner over something that happened 2 weeks ago? Does your mind wander around even during sex, leading to ‘bad orgasms’?
During date nights, do you feel that physically you are with your partner but mentally, you are thousands of miles away? If the answer to all these questions is yes, it means that you have failed to tame your brain, and now instead of you controlling it, it is controlling you.
We got an opportunity to talk to Sam Curtis, an International life coach. She revealed how mindfulness meditation could make the experience of relationships and sex better. Let’s hear more about it from her;
What is Mindfulness?
“Mindfulness and meditation go hand in hand—there are different types of meditation, and mindfulness is just one of those types if you want to put it simply,” Sam stated.
She continued by saying, “Mindfulness is about being present in the moment. We go through our lives unaware of what is going on around us because we are so trapped in our heads. We have all the stories running through our minds, worrying about what is going to happen later, and thinking about what happened in the past. We are actually not living in the moment, and Mindfulness is an exercise that helps us practice that behavior of living in the present.”
And this is precisely what is happening today. Even when we are at home, with our spouse or families, our mind stays at work, probably worrying about the meeting the following day. This stops us from living our lives to the fullest.
As Sam beautifully put it, “Happiness isn’t found, happiness is here (in the present), and if we can be here, we are more likely to be happy.”
How Mindfulness Can Enhance Sex and Relationship?
Today, when we spend most of our day away from our families and partners, it becomes essential that the little time we spend with them is high-quality. With our minds wandering around, it becomes almost impossible to pay attention to our loved ones.
“Mindfulness in terms of relationships; it is really important that we are present with the people who matter in our lives. And obviously, our partners are one of those people. If we are runing on autopilot, we let our minds run the show and not be conscious, we don’t create the depth of connection; that’s valuable, and that can help the relationship grow,” Sam said.
“Practicing mindful techniques help to strengthen the neural pathway between the amygdala and prefrontal cortex in our brain. Our amygdala runs the flight or fight show. It tries to protect us. So if we don’t feel safe, our fight or flight response gets triggered. Classically, it was triggered by a lion, whereas now it is often triggered by our thoughts. So if you have an argument with your partner, your amygdala fires up; it will try to ensure you are safe and thus trigger fight or flight response. But if we practice mindfulness, instead of the amygdala taking over us, we can connect with our prefrontal cortex and have a more rational response. The prefrontal cortex is the ‘rational brain.’ Unlike the amygdala, it will try to resolve the conflict instead of just fleeing from the scene,” Sam stated.
Mindfulness also has positive effects on sex. Sam told, “Being in the moment will help you relax, which means you will enjoy sex a lot more. If you want to have a very good sexual experience, you have to be connected with your body and to what is happening now. Sex is actually active mindfulness. So if you can build the strength of mindfulness, it will only intensify the pleasure of sex.”
How can I incorporate mindfulness into my busy schedule?
We all live a fast-paced life with little to no time left to spare on any form of self-care. The question arises of how to practice mindfulness without taking out a big chunk of time from our day.
“I find everyone thinks meditation requires 20 minutes a day. And of course, that’s a great way of doing it, but you can practice mindfulness anytime for even as little as 2 minutes. To practise, you need to pick an anchor and a set amount of time. The anchor could be a color, your body, or just your breath. By focusing back on your anchor, each time your mind wanders, you are strengthening your ability to be present and therefore, you are building mindfulness.
The practice of mindfulness is not about having no thoughts at all. It is built each time you realise you are not present and connect to your anchor.”
Sam shared two of her favorite mindfulness techniques for busy days:
- Pick a color – perhaps yellow
- Head out on your walk and notice everything you see that is that color.
- When your mind wanders, you ask yourself have I missed the color yellow somewhere? Perhaps you realize that there are flowers that are yellow or yellow lines on the road or the signpost you just mindlessly passed is yellow.
Night Time Body Scan
- Climb into bed
- Take a few deep breaths
- Take your attention to your toes, note any sensation without judgment
- Scan slowly up your body
- Any time you get distracted, start back at the toes.
Unlike conventional meditation, mindfulness is not the absence of thoughts; it is the practice of staying in the moment. Building the strength of mindfulness, it will intensify your experience of relationships and sex.
You can practice mindfulness anytime with the help of these guided audios.