At what age you decided to become a Relationship Expert?
Brendon Watt and I were in a great relationship for over eight years. Many people would come to us, asking us questions about our relationship because we never had a fight. Our relationship was based on gratitude and honoring. We both traveled around the world and began teaching relationship classes in classes that we facilitate with Access Consciousness—all of which resulted in a book.
Our book is called Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One? The title has been getting a lot of interest, and that is exactly what we wanted, to put everyone into question.
The relationship is one of the areas in life where so many people say that they desire a great relationship, and yet they’re not willing to look at the truths and the lies of where they’re functioning from, and where somebody else is functioning from. If you’re willing to have a look at the undesired truth, then you’ll know what you can choose, and it will be greater, and it will get greater, but if you continuously hide from what it is that you’re asking, then there is no space to create greater.
And what is an undesired truth?
An undesired truth is everything that you know is there. It’s almost like the elephant in your own living room. You know what the elephant in your own house is, and yet you keep pushing it aside because you don’t actually desire to have a look at what the truth is.
As an example, how many times do people know the relationship is over? They’ve already left the relationship, and yet, they’ll moan and groan about it, or they’ve decided that they have to stay together because they bought a house together, or they’re engaged, or they’ve got a kid, and on and on… Have you ever known someone’s life to be greater because they’ve made themselves stay together based on the lies that they’re telling themself?
I get that it’s hard. I get it’s not the easiest thing in the world to break up, and that choosing something different, of the truth that is sitting right there/the elephant in your own life, is not easy. But if you’re willing to have a look at that and choose based on that, it always gets better. I see so many people who don’t choose anything. They’d rather have a bad relationship than making a different choice.
You have been in this business for so long; what is one common piece of advice you would like to give every couple to make their marriage successful?
Be really honest with yourself and what you’ve decided that you want from the marriage. Ask questions. I mean, have you spoken about finances? Have you spoken about investments? Have you spoken about kids? Have you spoken about geographical location? Do you like to travel? It’s like, what is it that you would like to do in your life? And don’t expect the other person to know what that is. What if you sat down and spoke about it? And look, a great example is, “Look, one of my dreams has always been to travel.” So, you invite the partner, or your husband, or your wife to do it with you, but if they don’t want to… move forward regardless. What if you could actually have such a different relationship if you said, “Okay, I’m going to travel for three months. I’ll see you in three months. Love you lots.” You’ve got to be able to keep choosing your life, not cut yourself off to create a marriage. So many people decide, “Oh, I like horse riding, but my partner doesn’t like horse riding, so I’ll stop horse riding.”
I cannot tell you the number of relationships and couples that I’ve spoken to where the man would stop surfing, or someone would stop something they love – like going running, and they would stop running because of their partner. They would stop doing something because the other person didn’t like it. The reason why that person is with you is that they saw you right at the beginning. They loved everything that you were. They loved that you went surfing, that you went running, that you liked to go ride your bike, when that’s the worst thing that you would hate to do that.
Another thing I suggest is to give each other space. Essentially space is what I think so many relationships really require. You have to have the courage to know that it’s nothing personal; it’s not against you if someone requires space. I say it a lot in my classes, and I will reiterate it again and again, a man cave is a real thing.’ Men require space. And a lot of women require space, too. Give the other person space. If something’s up in their world, some great questions are, “Hey, is there anything I can help you with today?” And if they say, “No.” Then just say, “Okay, just know I’m here for you, okay?” And then walk away and go do something different. Leave the house if you get that they need space, or go cook them a great meal, or say, “Hey, can I make you a cocktail?” Be available, but don’t clutter or be all over them.
Taking space is not personal. I remember at one point, there was a guy that I was seeing, and I could tell that there was something up in his world, and he said to me, “Can we just get some food and watch a movie?” And instead, I did the girl thing, and I was like, “Hey, let’s get a drink and sit out on the balcony,” because I wanted to talk to him about what was up. About an hour later, I realized he had asked for space. He wasn’t asking to not be with me, but he didn’t want to talk…he didn’t want to do anything. He just wanted to eat some food and watch a movie.
How do you keep your mind and body calm? Is Yoga or meditation your go-to choice?
My go-to is actually being truly present with my body and asking what it desires—not overriding it. Our mind tends to choose what next, whereas we should actually allow our body to choose what is next. As an example, the number of times (myself included) you hear people saying, “Oh, I’ve got to go to the gym.” Whereas what I’ve started asking is, “Okay, body, what would you like to do today?” And even I noticed it last week—that my body just wanted to walk and keep walking. And also, it wanted to walk in nature. Walk if you can, get out there in nature. Nature is so willing to show you what true happiness is and willing to show you what gratitude is, what just being is. It doesn’t have any judgements. So, I would use nature to my advantage.
1. My husband has lost interest in sex after we had our baby?
Start by not going to the conclusion of what you’ve decided it has to look like. And what if you just start just touching each other’s bodies? I’m not talking about penetration or anything, not even touching the genitals. What if you just slightly, with the fingertips, start touching his entire body? And just do that, like 10 minutes, 20 minutes? And then the next day, maybe do it again or give him a foot massage. So many women go straight to the genitals. As much as what most people think, a man doesn’t always like, being jumped on straight away. He also likes that foreplay. So, even give him a back massage when he’s naked, and massage his butt, or his inner thighs, or something like that. It’s like, don’t go to, “Oh, we have to start having a penis in vagina sex again.” Invite him to it. Be the invitation.
2. My mother-in-law doesn’t let my husband and me have any privacy?
You need to start talking about sex or something she cannot hear. Start being a bit naughty with what you talk about that you usually wouldn’t talk about. About how you just love going down on him, or something like that, or you love it when he’s going down on you, and it’s just like, “We just don’t get enough time for it.” And you know what? Give it a shot, see what happens, see what shows up.
3. And what would be your number one advice to manage money as a newly married couple?
What is it that you both want to create? You’ve got to get semi on the same page with that, so have a chat. Get a bottle of wine, or a bottle of champagne, or something, and sit down and say, “Okay, what do we want to do about this?” Because I know a lot of couples who have joint bank accounts, and it works. I know a lot of couples who have been married and have kids, and they don’t have joint bank accounts, and it works. I also think there are different ways if you want to create wealth together, which is an entirely different topic, but you can set up trusts and companies, where you have money going into the same company, but then you can separate it afterward.
Every couple is very, very different. I had a friend who told me that whenever she and her partner had an argument about money, their rule was to get naked talk about it. It’s brilliant because how can you start making it significant if you’re both sitting there naked? One of the things that Brendon and I used to do that is if one of us got funky about money, then the other one would go buy something because you’d be like, “Okay, okay, I’m over it!”
So, again, follow the energy and do what works for you.
4. How do you ask for the sex you want?
Most men like to be told what works. I mean, a line that someone gave me once, which was brilliant, was, “The way we’re going to have the most fun here is if you tell me what you want.” And I get that we’re not taught that. We’re taught that “You should know what I want.” But it’s not true. The man doesn’t know what the woman wants. The woman also wants to know what a man wants.
If I’m having sex with a man, or you’re giving a man a blowjob, no man’s body is the same, as no women’s body is the same. Yes, we’ve got bits and pieces that sort of look the same, but the sensory side of it is very different. One person’s nipples can be an absolute turn-on, and somebody else is like, “Eh, I feel like you’re touching my elbow.” That’s just the way our bodies work. I’ll let you in on a little trick, ladies, if you are willing to ask the man you’re with if you can watch him masturbate…because if you watch a man masturbate, you’ll learn exactly how he likes to be touched. And you can use that, doesn’t mean that you have to do that exactly, but you can use some of what you’ve just learned.
I’m going slightly off-topic, but it might be good, most women think that it’s about a blowjob, a handjob, or penis and vagina, etc., but there are ways that you can be with a man’s penis, like a penis massage, where they’re not even necessarily hard, but you’re playing with their genitals in a way, with their anus, with their perineum, with their testicles, with their penis. And they might get hard, they might not get hard, but it’s not about ejaculating; it’s about that kindness and that nurturing that you can be for a man. And some men love getting their testicles massaged, and others again are like, “Eh, it’s like my elbows, it’s like nothing.”
One of my favorite things is really being touched really lightly with fingertips, anywhere on my body. To me, that’s such energy that gets me really present in my body, as well. So, you could even ask for that. And then it’ll show them what it is that you like, on their body. But don’t go, “Here’s the download of how I have an orgasm, and blah blah blah.” Just start with one thing, two things, three things.
5. Should couples work in the same workspace?
If it works for them, there’s no right or wrong. I know couples that share the same workspace, and it works brilliantly, and it drives others crazy. You’ve got to get that each person is really different, and each relationship is different, and don’t try to create your relationship based on any reference point of what someone says you should do. Ask. And it might be one day that you’ll go, “Oh God, I love having you in the same office,” and the next day you’re like, “Hey, I’ve got a bunch of meetings, I’m going to be talking, can I have some space?” Don’t be afraid to ask about what works for you on that day. Remember, just because it works for you today doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you tomorrow.