What’s the first word that pops in your head when you hear vanilla? Is it bland, too basic, or just yecch? It is white; it is readily available in the supermarket, and it is a ‘safe’ option when you can’t decide what flavor to go for.
What most of you don’t know is that vanilla is a very complex spice and the second most expensive, next to saffron. For centuries, it was considered exotic, luxurious, and rare.
With some people calling it basic and others reminding them of its exotic history, vanilla has a very controversial image. And so does the term vanilla relationship.
What is a vanilla relationship?
After the movie ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ got released, kinky sex came to the mainstream. For those unfamiliar with this term, “A kink is something you do during sex that is unusual. BDSM is a kink, so a “kinky relationship “involves sex that includes whips and chains, dominant-submissive roles, etc.
A vanilla relationship, on the other hand, means a traditional relationship that has nothing unusual about it – no kink, no straying away from the path.
You may ask, “So if I am not in a polyamorous or open relationship, am I vanilla?” The answer is yes.
Now, there is a misconception going around that a vanilla relationship is having sex in a missionary position with your partner in the dark.
In reality, it is as subjective as kinky sex. Given vanilla sex usually doesn’t explore the edges of people’s comfort zones the way kinky sex might, you can still experiment with your partner in terms of positions and new techniques.
In a nutshell, if you don’t have a drawer full of sex toys or a sex dungeon in your house, your sex life might be considered “vanilla.” It’s all still subjective. Maybe morning sex is “normal or vanilla” for you, but your best friend thinks it’s peak kinky. Just like beauty, vanilla sex lies in the eye of the beholder.
Are people ashamed to accept they are in a vanilla relationship?
The famous American sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S., featured a storyline where Phoebe refuses to believe that Rachel has kissed some girl by saying, “It just seems pretty wild, and you’re so vanilla.” Rachel was visibly offended by this remark and spent the rest of the episode trying to prove Phoebe wrong.
So how and why did the term “vanilla” become so offensive?
Media has played a major role in this. The exaggeration of sexual experiences by the media raised expectations to unrealistic levels in real-life relationships.
Even porn: freely available porn has made it easier for the average person to see and expect crazy sex that is not always realistic.
Why is vanilla sex better than kinky sex?
Let’s be real, we are all for experimenting with our partners, and every couple does not prefer kinky sex.
If you are someone who likes to come home to a loving partner after a long day at work and enjoy Chinese takeout over an Adam Sandler movie, don’t let anyone make you feel embarrassed for your preference.
In fact, we have made a list of reasons why the vanilla relationship is better than kinky sex, just for you:
1. It can be more intimate than kinky sex.
There’s a comfort level attached to vanilla sex. You get more time to focus on your partner instead of worrying about what toy to use next and even if you are using them right.
In most of the positions, you and your beau face each other. You both gaze in each other’s eyes, and automatically lust gets replaced with love. In a way, vanilla sex strengthens the bond between partners.
2. Experimentation doesn’t guarantee satisfaction.
While experimenting in bed can be fun and wild, it won’t necessarily lead to a happy ending: if you know what I mean 😉
You get so occupied with the new stuff that you get distracted from the main reason for lovemaking… pleasure. Also, as all this is new to you, it is likely that you haven’t quite figured out yet what works for you.
But this is not the problem with ‘vanilla sex’. You and your partner already know what you like and can focus all your attention on those areas or things, meaning you get to have an orgasm every time you have sex.
Everyone has different preferences. So whether you identify as kinky or vanilla or somewhere in between, it should be pleasurable for you. In the end, the only thing that matters is what floats your boat. If you start seeing someone new and tell your friends about them, no one will question if the sex is ‘vanilla.’ They’ll only ask, “Is it good?”