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What To Do When You’re Feeling Jealous Of A Friend’s Business

Morning Lazziness
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What To Do When You’re Feeling Jealous Of A Friend’s Business

You’re jealous. You’ve been jealous, you will be jealous, and you are jealous. All of us are.

We have been taught to think that jealousy is a “disease” that “comparison is the thief of joy,” and you don’t want to be caught dead hanging out with the green-eyed monster. But what if I told you that everything you think you know about jealousy is completely wrong? It is. 

Comparison and competition come from the belief system, AKA the B.S., that there isn’t enough for everyone. “Oversaturation,” “overpopulation,” “scarcity,” “lack.” You can’t turn on a television or listen to a radio station without being fed how there is not enough, and you’re not enough.  But “enough” shouldn’t even be up for discussion. YOU and everyone else is so much MORE than enough becomes a non-factor. 

No one is you. And no matter how similar what you are offering is to the next person, your stories, your experience, and your heart compare to no one else. The same is true for everyone else.

When it comes to business and leadership, we have been trained to hustle. Being overworked and underpaid is the norm, you’re told not to bring your personal life to work, and our phone has us less connected to ourselves but more connected to ourselves than ever before. This imbalance in energy is not something to be proud of but something to be reconciled. 

Social media has taught us to compare our “behind the scenes” to everyone else’s “highlight reel,” and we judge our day 1 to someone else’s day 100, truly not knowing what went on behind closed doors or what they had to experience (or no experience) to get there. 

  • Jealousy can be the healthiest and most expansive feeling in your life if you let it be.
  • Jealousy is not an emotion to be ashamed of. It is an invitation. 
  • Jealousy is inviting you to look at something that someone else has. It’s showing you it’s available, it’s possible, and if they can do it, so can you. 

Jealousy is revealing to you what you want, and when you know what you want, you are able to figure out how to get it. It offers a clarity that you may not have otherwise had. In some instances, it offers you the kick in the ass that you needed to get up and get it done.

If you find yourself jealous that a friend has hired the employee of her dreams, this is letting you know that this is something that you want. Since it’s possible for her and it’s a now reality, it’s the universe letting you know that it is also possible for you. Instead of spending your time figuring out how she got it, why she doesn’t deserve it, and how it should have been you, can you use this same energy to make the same an actual reality for you?

If you find yourself jealous that a friend just earned her dream client for what seemed like practically doing nothing, can you be excited at the possibility that the same is available? Can you experience a mindset shift that hustling and being all work no play isn’t a sustainable work strategy and that attracting clients isn’t something that only happens when you force, but always happens when you flow?

How to not be jealous of your friend’s success?

When I feel jealous, I write down what I’m feeling jealous about. For this example, I will say my best friend’s recent weight loss. Weight loss is what I see as a result. I will then write down what action she took to make that result happen. My friend lost weight because she ran five miles every day, reduced her caloric intake, and stayed committed to her nutrition. I can look at this list and see what action my intuition is actually asking me to take. If I want to achieve that same weight loss, I actually need to increase my discipline and decrease my excuses. 

Our emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us. When we learn to listen to these inner promptings, we realize that it’s always about us. Jealousy can take us away and have us completely focused on the other person in a self-sabotaging way of thinking. When we take full responsibility for ourselves and use that same energy to focus on ourselves and what we can do to achieve the results that we really want, our life becomes one of collaboration instead of competition. 

The invitation to inviting more expansion encourages us to ask for help, ask for advice, and strategize with others. This encourages the community and destroys the idea that you’re all on your own.

Allow jealousy to invite you to become the best version of yourself, and instead of being angry at the other person for “getting there first,” thank them for being the example you needed to know it was also possible for you. 

What To Do When You’re Feeling Worthless

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What To Do When You’re Feeling Worthless

You don’t feel worthless. You actually can’t. Feeling “worthless” actually “feeling” worthless at all. “Feelings” have been such a taboo topic for so long that we confuse our feelings, which are in our body, with our stories, which are in our brain. Society taught men they couldn’t cry, women they were too sensitive, children that they would be given something to cry about. We were given Prozac, alcohol, credit cards, and reality television to work numb the very sensations that our body offers us as real-time biofeedback, so we understandably don’t really know what “feeling our feelings” means. 

Feelings are emotions, e-motions, energy in motion, and that’s what it is energy. A feeling is an energy that’s moving. It’s a real-life moving somatic response to something we are thinking, feeling, or experiencing. Feelings are natural, and they’re our body’s way of communicating with us. 

When we experience a positive feeling, our body is saying, “yes, please, more of this.” When we experience a negative feeling, our body is communicating with us, “hey, the way you’re thinking about that doesn’t make me feel good. Can we maybe try a different perspective?” 

The intuition, the wisdom, the wise one within you loves, listens, and honors unconditionally. When our mind creates stories on how something should be instead of how something actually is, that is when we suffer. That is when we feel worthless.

“Worthless” isn’t a feeling. Worthless is a story that you’re telling. If you were to not tell or attach a story to the emotion, to the energy moving inside of you, you would actually describe it something like this:

“I am feeling heaviness in my chest. I feel the weight on my shoulders that’s affecting my posture. My head feels chaotic, and I don’t feel like I have the energy to do anything.” 

When you tune in to your body and where the feeling is, you bring awareness to it, which allows that energy to move. When it moves, you detach. You don’t tell a story. 

The stories that you tell become who you are, and worthless isn’t something anyone should want to become.

When you don’t describe the feeling or the energy and allow that response to guide you, you end up saying something like, “I am worthless.” These very words send out the intention and a declaration to the universe declaring that’s who and what you are. 

Even when you say, “I am feeling worthless,” you are still doing the same thing, insinuating that the emotion IS you. That YOU are, in fact, worthless, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Our brains are there to help tell stories, to help piece together what’s going on outside of us, and these stories that our ego weaves together aren’t bad- if we tell the story to ourselves instead of listening to the one that the mind makes up, which is always negative. Your brain’s job is to keep you safe, and it processes everything as a threat. This doesn’t help you. 

This doesn’t mean- you get mad at your ego or the voice inside your head. It just means don’t give it all the power or any of the credit.

Detaching from the stories that the mind creates isn’t easy, and it will require a conscious practice to “feel” your feelings instead of thinking about them and analyze what they mean. So in the meantime, if you find yourself actually feeling worthless, here’s what you can do.

  1. Detach from the story. When you catch yourself listening to the voice inside your head telling you how worthless you are, stop listening to it. Instead of listening to the voice inside your head, talk to the voice inside your head, just like you would a close friend. Remind yourself that this is not true, and it’s just a story that you’re brain is telling to keep you “safe.” Remind yourself that this “safety” is actually keeping you small, and you don’t need the protection.
  2. Breathe. Your nervous system regulates all of the emotions in your body, and the more you are able to breathe and turn on your parasympathetic nervous system, the faster the emotion will move. Breathe in for seven counts. Hold for seven counts. Exhale for seven counts. Do this for five full minutes focusing on your breath. When your mind wanders, and it will gently guide it back to your breath.
  3. Change The Story. After you have escaped fight or flight mode in your head, you have accessed a sense of safety within, begin to change your story. Start slowing by listing all of the things that make you worthy. This is not your job, your status, or what’s in your bank account. This includes your heart, your service to others, your joy, and your beingness. Don’t just fly through this list or dismiss it as an unnecessary exercise. Think of each thing slowly and keep thinking about it, one at a time, in detail, until you feel the emotion begin to move. When you start to feel better, move on to the next one. Keep going until you don’t want to stop.

So many people fail at improving their self worth or negative self-talk because they try to out-think it instead of feeling it. Emotions are somatic; they’re in the body. You can’t stay in your mind and think that you will outsmart it away.

Your thoughts are electric, sending out a signal straight to your heart, which is magnetic. To magnetize more feelings that you want instead of ones you don’t want (like feeling worthless), you need to be in your body and in your heart. 

How To Understand the Interviewer’s Mind

Morning Lazziness
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How To Understand the Interviewer’s Mind

The only barrier between an applicant and a job offer is the interviewer’s perception of the interviewee.

The goal of the interviewee is to highlight or convince the employer that they, above all other applicants, have the required skills and experiences needed for the advertised job role. 

But what most applicants haven’t considered is the employer’s unconscious biases. A structured job interview is an analytical process to determine a candidate’s potential job performance – this is a logical decision. But, an initial impression is created before the job interview starts – when the employer meets the applicant for the first time. 

It’s in the first milliseconds of this meeting when the employer’s unconscious bias comes into play – an emotional process. Some initial impressions are even created prior to the job interview through a well-worded application form, with an employer now having high expectations about one of the applicants – we call this the halo effect. 

At a basic level, the unconscious bias will create a ‘like or dislike’ impression of an applicant based on a number of reasons that the interviewer may not be consciously aware of.

Do Interviewers have prejudices? 

Each person has stereotypical beliefs and prejudices; not all people are aware of them. 

A structured job interview is designed to be analytical by matching answers to a set of predetermined interview questions against a scoring system. The highest scoring applicants are offered a position within the company. 

The human brain, to make quicker decisions, uses snap-judges, long-held beliefs, and stereotypes to bypass the conscious, slower, mind. The emotional decision-making process is the older part of the mind – the amygdala. 

An example of the two decision-making processes is a male interviewer meeting a female applicant applying for a traditional ‘male’ role. Initially, an unconscious thought pops into the employer’s mind “I don’t think women should work in masculine roles, but I know I shouldn’t be thinking this”

There are 3 types of reactions to a stereotype:

1. Aware and Don’t Care – in this example, a sexist interviewer won’t even consider a female for a masculine role, as all their experiences, backed up by chosen memories, reinforce their belief. Even when offered contradictory evidence to their sexiest belief, the employer won’t budge. 

An interviewer aware of prejudice without wanting to change their belief will be hard to convince. 

2. Aware and Care – the cultural environment a person grew up in has a big impact on the stereotypes that pop into their head later on in life. If, for example, an interviewer grew up in a household where females were seen as less worthy, this prejudice could pop up as they meet a female applying for a masculine role, even if they don’t believe this stereotype to be true. 

The interviewer who is aware of the bias that they don’t consciously believe in pops into their mind and can challenge it – Jean is female, and she is one of our best team members. 

This knowing will help an interviewer to attempt to conduct a fair interview using the structured interview process. Even with conscious effort, an unconscious bias can affect the scoring of an applicant.

3. Not Aware and Not Affected – the interviewer doesn’t have a bias when they meet, in this example, a female applying for a masculine role, resulting in an interview not affected by that prejudice (but could be affected by a second prejudice)

Attractiveness equals heritability- 

Some bais increase the likelihood of an applicant being hired. 

An interviewer finding commonality with a candidate will subconsciously score that applicant hire due to reciprocal linking. The similarity can be minimal, enjoying the same hobby, having worked for the same employer, or a similar personality trait. 

Attractiveness increases likeability. The ‘beauty is good’ effect has shown how employers add positive traits to someone who they deem to be attractive, increasing their perspective of an applicant, which affects the overall interview outcome. 

But not all the time. In fact, for high skilled job positions, research shows how skill level was deemed to be more important. This evidence suggests that for high skilled job roles, the analytical approach of a structured job interview trumps the opinions made by the initial bias.

Hiring Decisions-

As the structured job interview is designed to support hiring managers to make a conscious, rather than an emotional, recruitment decision, the initial bias can be overturned. This is much harder to do for an ‘aware and don’t care’ employer. 

Within the first 2 questions of the interview, the employer is attempting to guess the overall work ethic, attitude, and motivations of the applicant – another emotional decision-making process. 

It is at this stage that an ‘interview identity’ is formed, which will either reinforce the bias or can override the prejudice.

If the initial impression of an applicant is negative because of an unconscious bias, and the initial answers from the interviewee are weak, in both delivery and content, the initial prejudices will be reinforced. But if the perceived weak candidate communicates with confidence, detailing industry related experience, showcasing their abilities, while maintaining strong eye contact, the initial impression will be forgotten, and a new ‘interview identity’ can be created. 

It is the applicant’s perceived level of industry knowledge and sector experience vs. their level of interview confidence when combined, that forms the ‘interview identity.’

The ‘interview identity’ is the employer’s perspective; how the interviewee is viewed in the interview. If, for example, a career professional performs well once employed but struggles to express this high level of ability during a job interview, their ‘interview identity’ will be less favourable than it should be. 

Interview prediction test:

Read the 4 statements under each sub-heading and choose the one that most sounds like you. Make a note of the allocated points. Total up both points, and for an odd number result round down to the nearest even number

Level of knowledge/experience-

Specialist Knowledge/Experience:

  • 4 Points – 10yrs+ sector experience; able to build on industry-related academic research contributing to the field 
  • 3 Points – 3-10 years sector experience; experience in the implementation of proven theories and models into business as usual 
  • 2 Points – 1-3 years relevant experience; the academic level of industry knowledge without the experience of applying concepts to day to day tasks
  • 1 Point – No experience; possesses soft skills; communication, teamwork, problem-solving

Academic Ability:

  • 4 Points – Masters – Doctoral Degree/Post-grad Qualifications (Level 7-8) Professional Industry Qualification (e.g., a chartered engineer) 
  • 3 Points – Degree Level Qualification up to Bachelors (Level 6)
  • 2 Points – Graduate – up to Higher National Diploma (Level 4-5)
  • 1 Point – GCSE/A-Level (Level 2-3) or below

Again, read the 4 statements under each sub-heading and choose the one that most sounds like you. Total up both points, and for an odd number result round down to the nearest even number

Level of confidence-

Self-Worth:

  • 4 Points – A self-promoter fully aware of their expertise. Demands to be treated with authority and respect and will challenge anyone with contradictory opinions 
  • 3 Points – Believes in their ability, recognizes own skillset, and will discuss strengths when questioned 
  • 2 Points – Aware of both strengths and areas of development, but can easily disclose weaknesses and mistakes without prompts from others
  • 1 Point – Has a negative view of their abilities and lacks self-appreciation

Communication Style:

  • 4 Points – Commands attention and dominates meetings. Complex ideas are explained clearly and competently, combining statistics with examples. Able to influence others to take on a new point of view, using logic and reasoning to overcome barriers to objections. 
  • 3 Points – Speaks with authority, presents ideas within a structure, and uses vocal variety to maintain interest. Able to debate a technical subject, arguing points clearly while expressing their own ideas.
  • 2 Points – Can discuss a familiar subject when asked but finds it difficult to respond when challenged. Feels strained explaining new concepts; however, with comfortable topics speaks clearly and varies pitch/volume. 
  • 1 Point – Feels nervous when being the center of attention. Communication is weak due to hesitations, excessive filler words, low volume, and short snappy sentences.

You will now have two numbers, one indicating your level of knowledge/experience and the second indicating your level of confidence. Together this score indicates your interview identity.

Once an interview identity has been chosen, a description is given that explains how an employer’s view this interview identity and their strengths and areas of development.

Hypnotherapy – Does it Work?

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Hypnotherapy – Does it Work?

Another party invitation had arrived, the 3rd that week. But again, the young girl had to refuse.  

Louisa was 14, happy, and carefree. In school, she had lots of friends and was a joy to be around. It was her natural curiosity about the world and her caring nature that drawn other children to her. 

At 14, anyone who was anyone had a birthday party with games, cakes, and fancy dress. Fancy dress! Themed party invitations came on a weekly basis, requiring all the guests to dress up. As a popular classmate, Louisa received invitations to all the fancy dress parties. 

This was the problem – the themed parties. Louisa suffered from Masklophobia – the fear of people wearing fancy dress costumes; just a glimpse of someone in a costume would terrify poor little Louisa and send her running for the hills. 

The fear not only affected which parties Louisa could attend, but she was also worried that when shopping, she may bump into a shop mascot, a clown entertainer; even seeing costumes on TV would send shivers down her spine. 

Enough was enough something had to be done, or the phobia would get out of hand. Louisa’s mum suggested hypnotherapy. 

What does hypnotherapy work on?

Most commonly, hypnotherapy works on insomnia, stress, anxiety, chronic pain, quitting smoking, IBS, and weight loss. 

Overcoming fears such as the fear of public speaking, the of heights, the fear of dying, and the fear of costumes can be cured using hypnotherapy. 

How does hypnotherapy work?

Hypnotherapists use hypnosis to make a subconscious change. Let’s say you suffer from arachnophobia – the phobia of spiders. When the phonic person confronts a spider, they panic – finding it hard to breathe and often run for their lives even if the spider isn’t dangerous. 

What hypnosis does is break this pattern between the stimuli and reactions – the spider and running away. 

Inside the autonomic nervous system sits the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. These two systems work in opposite ways; the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) produces the famed ‘flight or fight’ stress response,” whereas the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) is the body’s resting state (rest and digest).

The association between the stimuli (spider or fancy dress outfit, as an example) reacts automatically with SNS for phobics; they see the stimuli and, in most cases, have an urge to ‘flight.’ 

Using hypnosis, the association is broken, and a new pattern, feeling relaxed, is embedded through ‘suggestions’ and visualizations, resulting in stimuli being associated with the feeling calm and relaxed.

Hypnotherapy sessions:

There are many different hypnotherapy approaches and techniques, but in the main, they all follow is a similar process. 

A client, the person requiring a hypnotherapy session, will initially attend to have a discussion about their reasons for requiring hypnotherapy. These initial sessions help the hypnotherapist choose the most appropriate techniques for the client. 

During the hypnosis process itself, the hypnotherapist will help relax the client by getting them to enter a deep state of relaxation. The deep relaxation state is similar to the one used in meditation.

In this state, the mind is more willing to accept suggestions and will visualize the words the hypnotherapist is using to guide the client. The client’s focus, at this stage, is wholly on the internal visualization without any external distractions. The same state is achieved when someone is working on a task – they concentrate so much they ignore anything else going on around them.

At the session start, a common hypnotherapy practice is to guide a client down a staircase ‘with each step helping you to become more and more relaxed.’ The client is asked to count down the steps from 10-1, and as they reach the final step, ‘you will feel totally relaxed.’ Other therapists use a concentration exercise, where the client focuses deeply on a particular spot before they drop into a deep state of relaxation. Or, they complete a breathing exercise or focus on the feeling of relaxation.

Whichever relaxation technique is used helps to access the PNS. The therapist, using suggestions, will deepen the state of relaxation, creating a trance’ experience. The deeper the trance, the easy it is to suggest ideas to the subconscious mind. 

Once totally relaxed, the hypnotherapist will guide the client. An example was with Louisa, who was told to walk ‘slowly and calmly’ towards a person in the distance, that later turns out to be in fancy dress. The repeating of positive suggestions ‘you are relaxed’ as Louisa walked to what she knew would be a person in a costume, resulting in a new emotional experience the mind could use as a point of reference. 

The exercise is repeated using different visualizations to help embed the new association; stimuli = feeling relaxed. Within the visualizations, the therapist will state post-hypnotic suggestions ‘whenever you come across stimuli you will feel relaxed and calm,’ allowing the client to access the same feeling of calmness in real-life as they did in the trance state. 

Can Money Buy Happiness? The Question of Money and Happiness

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Can Money Buy Happiness? The Question of Money and Happiness

Can money buy happiness? The short answer: Yes, money can buy happiness. Give me a million dollars, and trust me, I am a happy camper, BUT, follow it up with million-dollar accounts payable, not so much. The problem is one of definition, not only of happiness but of what we as human beings actually seek, which, surprisingly enough, may not be happy.

Two words that are used interchangeably, and should not be, are “happiness” and “joy.” 

A Couple of Definitions

Happiness is an evanescent feeling or temporary state of being, which is easily determined by external forces and external people. Over 100 billion dollars was spent last year by people trying to grab that brass ring, which is even more elusive than the ones on the merry go round, and yet, even as so many of us are stuck on that same merry go round, the few who actually grab the ring, those few who actually hit those lottery riches, are usually broke within a few years. Did money buy them happiness? Oh yes, it did, but ironically, the question arises, “At what price?”

Now, what about that word, “joy”? Joy is a gift of The Spirit, which allows us to realize that through all of life’s ups and downs, through the turmoil and the din and, yes, through the wonderful times, our loving God is constantly and consistently with us and guiding us to Him. It is the gift that NO amount of money can buy and which no lack of money can take away. One can give it away. The curious thing is that if it is given away in a spirit of selflessness, the giver actually somehow still retains the gift—even after having actually given it away. Hmm.

The Proof Is In The Pudding 

Are we sure money can’t buy joy? Ask the millionaires who have committed suicide or the millionaires in our nation’s prisons. Look at the lives of so many actors, athletes, rappers, singers, and public figures who have almost profane amounts of money, who buy houses in which they don’t live, cars that they don’t drive, spouses who divorce them and then spend their lives trying to get more and more money from them, to buy things that they can’t use, don’t need, and in the end, bring them no joy.

It is interesting to note that money seems to be more valuable when it is given away. A wise man once said, “There are two kinds of people—givers and takers. The takers eat really well, but the givers sleep really well.” That same class of actors, athletes, rappers, singers, and public figures always seems to be in joyful peace when they are giving away their money.

Final Thoughts 

I will leave you with three thoughts from my book; A Magic Man Looks At Life:

Shun desperation–desperately seek inspiration!

There will always be naysayers and doom seekers who squeeze every positive breath out of you–spiritual Smokey Bears, who will immediately try to stamp out any positive fire or spark in your life. Newspapers, magazines, and television make millions of dollars telling us how bad off we all are and how we all are going to perish–imminently. If you think they are right, then don’t even finish this book; just go kill yourself right now. Go on! Do it! Well? What, you haven’t done it yet? 

Then, deep down, you must realize that there is still hope. Well, there is much more than just hope. Look around you. Listen carefully through the din. Great things are happening–every day. Amazing discoveries are made; children who will be heroes are born; children who are heroes save lives; seemingly small actions done by seemingly small people positively change others’ lives forever–every day. And don’t wait to be inspired. Hunger for it. Look for it in every nook and cranny.

Oddly enough, inspiration is usually not that far away–a word of wisdom on an office bulletin board, an observation by a friend, a great performance by one of your favorite actors, a clergyman’s sermon, a grandparent’s story about “the old days.”

Crave inspiration and demand it–every day. Be an inspiration junkie. Inspiration doesn’t cost you anything; desperation costs you your very soul. Desperation stagnates, suffocates, and buries you. Expect to be inspired. Many times, the expectation alone will buoy you up until the realization arrives. Inspiration not only gives you the strength to survive but the will to reach even higher. 

Never miss a chance to celebrate!

There are wondrous events going on around us every day–lives being saved, lives just beginning, honor rolls being made, dreams being fulfilled, songs being sung, poems being written, first dates, first kisses, first jobs, retirement parties, birthday parties and good old fashioned for no particular reason parties. Celebrate for yourself or for someone else. It doesn’t really matter. If you get into the habit of never missing a chance to celebrate, you’ll find it all brings you joy. And if you find you have too much joy, take the excess, spread it around, and celebrate that!

We are children of a glorious God who has filled the world with wonders. Drink the fine wine and squash the sour grapes!

And the final nail in the coffin of money buying happiness.

The measure of a man’s wealth is not the money he makes with his change, but rather the changes he makes with his money.

Be Joyful!!

Emotional Detachment: Let The Healing Begin

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Emotional Detachment: Let The Healing Begin

Emotional detachment doesn’t happen suddenly. It is a process of deterioration over time without effective interventions to change its course. Letting go of someone you love, closing the door to your heart, is a very common reason for what brings people to seek the help of a therapist.

Emotional detachment looks like avoidance, social isolation, procrastination, passive aggression, infidelity, “forgetting important dates or events,” abstaining from sex, physical and verbal affection, not responding or deliberately waiting to respond to texts or emails, blocking the person, taking your partner for granted, criticizing them, picking fights, and lashing out with threats and degrading name-calling.

The pain and suffering of emotional detachment is harrowing and can actually show up as intense physical pain (my heart is broken), which can manifest as somatic symptoms such as headaches, stomach issues, sleep problems, binge eating, numbing yourself with alcohol, mood swings, depression, impulsivity (i.e., sexual promiscuity), excessive spending, physical violence, verbal and legal threats, changing the locks, stealing money, recklessly showing up at the person’s workplace, raging outbursts, destruction of property, lying, slander, sabotage, and poor self-hygiene. Breaking up can get very nasty, humiliating, and scarring. These symptoms mimic the symptoms of bipolar depression, mania, generalized anxiety disorder, and addiction.

The reality is that emotional detachment is necessary and unavoidable when couples decide to split up. Ideally, there is a “checking out period,” followed by a clear, direct, and honest conversation about the future of the relationship: “I don’t think this is working. I am not willing to try couples therapy. I don’t love you anymore. I am in love with someone else. I want a divorce. This is my final decision. The stress of this relationship is interfering with my ability to be happy, hopeful, and successful. We do not share the same vision for the future. We don’t want the same things. Our values are incompatible. You bring out the worst in me. I don’t like who I am with you. I do not enjoy your company anymore. I am not attracted to you anymore. I feel bad when I am around you. I dread seeing you. Your energy is toxic. I have tried to tell you how I am feeling, but things haven’t changed at all or fast enough. I hate you, and I am done.” Then the rejected partner is faced with a crossroads: beg, plead, cling, manipulate, coerce- anything that demonstrates a complete denial of the ending.

Emotional detachment is a process of grief.

There are traditionally 5 stages of grief, according to researcher Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: denial (“this cannot be happening, it’s just a nightmare I will wake up from, this isn’t reality, no no no!), bargaining (“please, I will do anything to get you back, I’ll quit my job, I will sell all my assets, I will change my appearance, I will do sexual things that I didn’t want to before, I will go to therapy, I will move, I cannot live without you, I need you, you are my lifeline, if you leave then I will kill myself”), anger (“this is not the real you, I know the real you, I have forgiven you so many times, you owe me, you are a bad person and will never be happy without me, nobody will love you as much as I do, you are stupid and unattractive, you are worthless, you are a loser, you never satisfied me sexually”), depression (“My life is over, I have nothing left to live for, my hopes and dreams are shattered, I will never love again, I am unlovable, this is all my fault, I will never be happy, nothing works out for me, I may as well die,”) and acceptance (“this relationship wasn’t working, we were both unhappy, fighting all the time, treating each other badly, this was not a healthy relationship and we deserve to find happiness, the damage cannot be healed, the loss cannot be recovered, the trust is broken and unfixable, this relationship is over and it is better this way.”) the most current stage of grief is now believed to be Meaning: I stayed because I wanted to see myself as compassionate and forgiving, I couldn’t bring myself to leave a person in that state, I am not a quitter, I do not want to give up hope for happiness, I am capable of loving deeply. I am worthy and lovable. I have a lot to offer, I have learned a lot about what I need and don’t need in a relationship, I have insight into who I am as a person and what is really important to me that I may have overlooked before.”

The feeling of loss is real; it may happen every day, at unexpected times, like a wave that engulfs you. Usually there is a specific trigger, like a picture, event on the calendar, social media pictures, planned trips, receipts, cards, stuff around the house, joint purchases, and gifts for special occasions. I want to tell you that from my clinical experience, emotional detachment is the hardest thing anyone can ever go through, whether or not the person lost is still alive or passed. The reason for this lies in the intense process of emotional attachment. When you become emotionally attached to someone, your walls come down, you make a conscious choice to trust, a desire to learn and grow each day, making room in your life and in your heart, introducing them to your family and friends, acknowledging them as your partner, committing to being exclusive. It feels like this bond gives you a roadmap for your future, where you will live, whether you will have kids, realizing your identity and purpose. Your happiness depends on the quality of the relationship on any given day, even when some days are better than others. You appreciate each other and want to support their aspirations. You want to share the rest of your life with them; you want to make a family with them, to undo what you had to go through as a child or to continue the family traditions that made your childhood blissful.

This kind of love is not always healthy if one bad day or week disrupts your daily functioning and causes depressive symptoms like sleep problems, extreme mood swings, emotional instability, the loss of control, and trouble focusing. Emotional detachment is experienced as physical pain. That’s why some people use alcohol or self-harm to try to replace the emotional pain with physical pain. But that is ineffective because it is just a detour. Ultimately, emotional detachment is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. That is the most important relationship in your life because you take yourself wherever you go; you are who you are. You may want to change some things about yourself, but you are you.

The only way out is through. It is best to work with a therapist to discuss how you feel on a daily and weekly basis, monitor your moods, triggers, and impulses, create goals for how to take better care of yourself, to resume activities that used to make you happy, and perhaps to take an antidepressant temporarily to help cushion your inevitable falls. Medication is a supplement to therapy, and it is necessary when you are still stuck in depression, denial, impulsivity, substance abuse, missing too many days of work, for a specified amount of time that is determined on an individual basis with the therapist and recruited psychiatrist. If you have not progressed, if you have not recovered on some level, if you have relapsed and continue to reach out to the person in an effort to reconcile, then it is probably time to start looking for a psychiatrist. Start with therapy and then listen to the therapist’s course of treatment. Relationship Therapists are specifically trained to help people suffering from relationship issues.

Every day is a new day, an opportunity for a fresh start, a chance to learn and grow. Resilience can be mastered with daily practice, healthy behaviors, and a reliable support system.

The Day You Became A Better Person

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The Day You Became A Better Person

I feel like today, Harry Potter is a household name. When just the name comes up, you naturally think of spells, enchantment, Harry protecting and safeguarding Hogwarts from evil like Dementors, three-headed dogs, and he who must not be named (Voldemort… I’m a muggle so I can say it… I think?)

But one of the secondary characters that always caught my focus was Hermione Granger. 

Yes, Harry was the hero; he wore the cape and got credit when the wickedness was all said and done. But Hermione, in my opinion, was always the one with the strongest morals, the one who never wavered from what she believed in. The one I looked up to.

She was consistently and insufferably honest (even when the truth wasn’t what people wanted to hear.) She always stood up for the little guy (half-bloods, elves, muggles.) She was the queen of tough love, repeatedly doing what was best for those close to her, even if it hurt.

I always thought, “why can’t more people just be like her?”

And then it came to me. We all want to change the world, but we never want to change ourselves.

That’s why ever since the second and best Harry Potter (Chamber of Secrets) came out, I started collecting a list of Golden Rules to live by moving forward in the hope that changing myself would enact the change I wish to see.

Outside of the original Golden Rule of treating others how you want to be treated, there are three that have been unassailable for me over the years.

Never Assume (Anything)

This one comes from Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Every single time I have been wrong in my life, it has been because I had falsely assumed one thing or more about a person, an event, or a belief.

As humans, we tend to make assumptions just about everything. We almost need to make assumptions to survive, though, right?

We assume that the roof over our heads (if we are lucky enough to have one) will be there through the night as we sleep, and we won’t be woken up covered in the rain. We assume that our car will start in the morning so we won’t be late to work, so we don’t take it to the auto-shop each night to make sure. We assume that there won’t be a dragon on our lunchtime walk, so we don’t pack a sword to fend one-off.

We even make assumptions about how others think or feel towards ourselves based on small input like a smile or a text.

But there’s one problem with assumptions. We only believe they are the truth, but that does not make them the truth. When we make assumptions, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. We are setting ourselves up for future problems.

Not making assumptions goes directly against habits ingrained in our DNA, but once you can drop them, your entire life opens up. See things how they are, not how you want to see them.

Tell The Truth, Or, At Least Don’t Lie

One of my favorite ideas was instilled by clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson. Most people would consider themselves honest; we’re good people, right?

But what definition of a lie are we using?

If we define it as to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication, then I think almost every last person on earth is guilty every now and then.

Even telling white lies, like when your friend asks if she looks overweight in that dress (and she does), or when you’re giving feedback at work when your employee has been a little less than perfect. 

Even telling small lies leads to breaking down trust in any relationship. If it’s your friend that you’re telling a white lie to, are you protecting their feelings or enabling them to feel worse about themselves? If it’s your employee, are you preserving your work relationship, or are you masking something that could make them better?

Be Like Family To Your Friends, And Like Friends To Strangers

The final rule came from Naval Ravikant, one of the greatest minds of our time, in my opinion, and I think this rule most closely resembles the original golden rule, just with a twist.

To me, family means a ride or die. It means even if we have animosity, I will march to the end of the earth with you. And the moment I started injecting this attitude towards all friendships, I got the same in return, which has led to some of the best relationships I have experienced.

The next point, treating strangers like friends. This ties in with the first rule mentioned of never making assumptions. That homeless man on the bus, that girl smiling on the walk to work in the morning, the person you always see in the elevator in your apartment building but never talk to, they all are going through something that you can’t possibly know. 

They could be having the best day of their life because they just got a massive promotion at work that they’ve been working towards for the last five years. Or they could be having one of the worst days of their life because someone close to them passed away. Both deserve empathy and compassion like a friend would.

Now those are my golden rules, but the cool part about this list is that it will always be changing, and yours may look different. But having a setlist like this can make a significant difference in one’s life, and I couldn’t recommend making one for yourself more.

Stay golden.

Healthy Eating is Important But Avoid the Myths and Pitfalls

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Healthy Eating is Important But Avoid the Myths and Pitfalls

No one would argue that eating a healthy diet is important not only for your health and longevity but for your emotional health as well. So much is determined by the type of nutrition that you are giving your body, and nutritional science is evolving almost daily as we learn more about how different nutrients interact with the human body. 

However, despite all our knowledge about foods and healthy eating, there is still a lot of inaccurate information out there that often leaves people confused, frustrated, and even malnourished despite a certain diet’s claim of healthy. 

As a nutritional expert and coach, I’ve sure seen my share of healthy eating myths and bad dieting advice over the years, and I work tirelessly to correct said myths and misinformation with the clients I work with. I hope this article will help you make sense of healthy eating and separate myth from reality.

The 5 Most Common Myths About Healthy Eating

1. There is One “Best” Healthy Diet (The Holy Grail of Healthy Eating) 

The human genome is complex, and the human body is highly adaptive. People are different and can thrive on a variety of different diets. There is no “one size fits all healthy diet.”

Some people are healthier when they follow a plant-based diet, while other people have excellent health and blood markers, eating some animal protein. For anyone, diet to claim superiority over another is a myth. 

2. Vegetarians Can Eat as Much as They Want.

Many people fall for the myth that if they switch to vegetarian or vegan, they can eat as many vegetarian foods as they want because plant-based foods are so healthy. 

While many plant-based foods are nutritionally dense, they all still contain calories. The human body needs a finite amount of energy to maintain itself each day, and this varies based on a person’s individual stats and exercise amount. Eating more than your body’s energy needs will result in energy storage in the form of fat. It doesn’t matter if that extra energy is coming from plants or animals; it will be stored as fat if there’s too much. 

3. Eating Clean Will Solve All Your Health Issues.

Some people are told that if they only eat organic and non-processed foods, all their health issues will disappear. This is simply not true and not backed by science. The human body is complex, and so are health issues since health problems can be both genetic and environmental in nature. 

Eating very nutritious foods and avoiding pesticide residue and such can give your body the nutrients it needs for optimal health, but it doesn’t mean that such a diet will cure all diseases. 

4. If You Eat Sugar and White flour, Your Diet Isn’t Healthy 

So many of my clients come to me so afraid to eat anything sweet or a piece of bread, or they email me and tell me how guilty they feel for having a cookie.

A healthy diet has room for treats!

You can still eat healthily and have some sugar and some bread. It’s what you’re eating the majority of the time that matters. Suppose 85% of your diet is coming from fresh foods, including a variety of vegetables and fruit. You can reserve 15% for foods that might not be that nutritious but do bring you joy and pleasure. You can be in great health and eat a cookie or a piece of cake from time to time. 

5. One Macronutrient Group is Superior to the Others

Some healthy diets promote eating very high protein, while other healthy diets promote eating very high fat and almost zero carbs as a way to achieve ultimate health. 

The truth is that your body likes healthy levels of all three macronutrient groups to be at their best. Protein is needed for tissue maintenance and development, carbs are the body’s preferred fuel, and fat is vital for cell regeneration, hormone production, and brain and nervous tissue health. Any diet that has an extreme approach with one or more of the macro groups is missing the mark. 

A Healthy Diet is All About Balance

I always advise my nutritional coaching clients to avoid any eating regimen that is “extreme” in any fashion. Extreme or highly restrictive diets only set people up for failure, frustration, and obsession.

A healthy diet is a balanced diet. It takes into account your unique nutritional needs and allows you to eat all foods in moderation. As I mentioned earlier, a healthy diet is more concerned with how you eat most of the time than all of the time, so it has room for a variety of foods. 

  • Yes, eat a lot of vegetables.
  • Yes, avoid foods contaminated with pesticides if you can.
  • Yes, limit the amount of refined sugars and carbs you eat.

But, recognizing that a healthy diet has room for moderation doesn’t have to be restrictive. 

The healthiest diet for you is one that makes you feel your best physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

6 Soothing Tips For Staying Calm When You Get Angry

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6 Soothing Tips For Staying Calm When You Get Angry

Are you considered a hothead when you get angry? Do you feel yourself turning bright red with steam coming out of your ears?

If you nod your head up and down to signal a yes confirmation to these questions, you’ll want to stay tuned in and keep reading below.

I will present to you 6 soothing tips for staying calm when you get angry:

Tip #1: Take In A Deep Breath

When the urge of rage enters your vibrational frequencies of the body, please take a deep breath in, hold it for about 6 seconds and let it out slowly; rinse and repeat this process. Neuroscience has proven that when you do take in and let out deep breaths, your heart rate will begin to match your breathing, in turn helping you calm down.

As your mind starts to focus on timing your breathing, you will naturally relax a bit and not have those angry thoughts at the top of your mind any longer, and eventually, they may subside altogether.

Tip #2: Think Of A Positive Memory

There are many positive memories from which we can choose throughout our entire lives. Even just trying to find a positive thought to focus on can help reduce the tense angry that you feel inside.

Remember when you were a kid? Think of the great memories you had during the holiday season, watching your favorite cartoons on TV or just hanging out with a friend. You can resurface one of these thoughts to help you calm down. As you remember the past event, your brain doesn’t know reality from memory, so your mind will use active chemicals in your body to help you embrace that great thought with actual feelings that you stored subconsciously regarding that past event, and you will easily melt away the anger.

You may also want to remember an awesome song that you love, and by using modern technology, you can just replay that song, and it will get you in a positive mood to just want to sing and dance the anger away.

One more thing you can do is buy some essential oils, such as lavender, that can help you calm down by just smelling them or rubbing a small amount on your body. It even smells that you have locked into your memory, which holds great memories with them; you can buy these scents and just keep them around the house or in your car or bag, so when you feel the rage coming on, grab your emergency calming serum and simmer those mad thoughts to deletion.

Tip #3: Take A Walk

Moving your body can help with fluids and circulation, gets to where they need, in the body, and reduce your anger. Getting fresh air and walking is a good way to keep your mind occupied by looking at the natural beauty all around you.

As you are taking a walk, look up at the sky, if it’s during the day and cloudy, to look at the shape of the clouds to see what you can make of them; this method can help distract your mind as well to start thinking of calming happy thoughts.

One last bonus is that you can go for a hike and get your heart rate up, but in a good way, and burn some calories and fat while you are at it.

Tip #4: Workout

Pumping iron and just working out, in general, can help refocus your mind and use those angry thoughts to lift harder and for longer periods of time. You will definitely work up a sweat and melt off those angry pounds and replace them with firm muscle if you stay committed long enough.

Another tip is to get on a treadmill and run off those angry thoughts. You can set some goals using the digital display on the treadmill and will be too focused on accomplishing those goals that you won’t have time to let angry occupy your mind, and you’ll be exhausted catching your breath after as well and will be focused on that too.

Tip #5: Watch Something Funny

Turn on your streaming service, or even YouTube, and watch a funny movie or video clip. This will guarantee that your mood changes almost instantly, and you’ll fill your belly with laughter so much that you won’t have time to even think about being upset.

This one may be weird, but if you speak out loud in a funny high-pitched voice, that will make you laugh, at yourself, to the point that you will forget all about being angry and may even forget what you were mad at in the first place.

Tip #6: Channel Your Angry Into Production

With all of that built up angry, why not channel it into something productive, like working on a business idea? There are so many problems that need solving out there. You can literally spend hours just thinking about products or services you can start that will help solve some of those problems.

By occupying your mind with this easy but challenging task, you won’t have time to dwell on angry thoughts because you will be too excited and antsy to start working on your businesses and figuring this equation out.

You will look back after solving this equation and will be proud of yourself that you were able to accomplish a dream and goal that you set out for yourself.

Final Thoughts

Staying calm, even when you feel anger, gets easier over time. Just like a muscle, if you practice at it and work it out, you will be able to activate the calming side of yourself pretty quickly and easily as time goes on.

If you practice gratitude on a daily basis and really think of things you are truly grateful for, the angry thoughts that come, because they will come due to just being human, but you can keep these feelings at bay and let them consume you or take over your mind.

Equipment You Need to Think About When Remodeling Your House

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Equipment You Need to Think About When Remodeling Your House

If you are remodelling your house, don’t let yourself get in a situation where you don’t have the tools you need. The first thing you will need to do when planning a remodel is thinking about what tools you will need. That is an important step because purchasing the wrong tools for your remodel will cause you to lose a lot of money.

If you aren’t sure what equipment you will need when you are remodelling your home, here is a list of things that you will need. 

Basic Home Renovation Tools:

It doesn’t matter if you are planning on doing major or minor remodelling; there are some tools that you will need no matter what. Here is a list of basic tools that everyone will need:

  • Ladders
  • A hammer
  • Extension cords
  • Pliers
  • A tape measure
  • Masking tape
  • Pairing supplies
  • Cleaning supplies
  • A saw
  • An adjustable wrench
  • A level

A Pipe and Cable Finder

As we all know, water pipes and electrical cables are inside your walls and you can’t see them. Therefore, when you are remodelling your house, and you need to demolish a wall or drill into it, you will need to know what is inside that particular wall. It is much cheaper and easier to purchase a pipe and cable finder than being electrocuted or repairing pipes and all the damage that has been done. 

Cleaning Tools

No matter what kind of remodelling you are doing, you should always have these cleaning supplies in your home. 

  • Rubber gloves
  • Protective eyewear
  • Face mask
  • Vacuum
  • Mops and buckets
  • Trash bags
  • Cleaning solution
  • Cloths
  • Dustpans
  • Ladder
  • A squeegee

One of the most important things when you are doing your remodelling project is to incorporate cleaning in your daily routine. Construction will produce a lot of dust and trash, and it can be quite harmful if not cleaned properly. To be as safe as possible, look into how to dust property as well as how to clean windows without leaving any streaks. Keeping your home clean while remodelling will let you see how it will look when it’s completely done. 

A Stud Sensor

Stud sensor is something that will make your remodelling project run smoothly and much safer. As its name says, it is used to find studs in your walls. When you are attaching something to your walls, it is very important that you drill it in a place where the stud, so it can carry the weight and not rip out of your wall. You should never guess where the stud is; that will only cost you more time and money if you do it wrong. 

Demolition Tools

If you are doing major remodelling of your house, it is very lucky that you will be doing some demolition. That is why you will need to have the proper tools to get the job done as efficiently and precisely as possible. The basic tools that you will need are:

  • A sledgehammer
  • A voltage tester
  • A crowbar
  • A Sawzall

Because tearing down things is not the safest job in the world, you will need to have protective gear as well. Make sure that you have a mask, protective goggles, a helmet as well as some work gloves. 

Power Tools

When you are remodelling your house, you will also need some power tools. They will make your life so much easier because things will be done more precisely and faster with them. Some of the key tools to have when you are remodelling your house are:

  • A band saw
  • A table saw
  • A jigsaw
  • A sander
  • A nail gun
  • A drill 

When you are remodelling your house, having proper tools is half of the job, it is a recipe for success. Now that you have a list of tools that you are likely to need when remodelling, you gather them and do your remodelling confidently and properly. 

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