Some women, like myself, may not want to be mothers, but they are all daughters. It is only natural that we share some of the medical histories with our biological mothers, like myself. On my path towards healing my body, I realized that I had to heal much more than that: I also had to heal my mother’s relationship.
When we are in our teens, we may not realize or even like the idea that we have more similarities with our mothers than differences. We are under the illusion that we are completely different-if, not better- a human being.
However, life experiences and my body have shown it not to be the case. With the quarantine, I stopped dyeing my hair and finally started embracing my grays. To my dismay, with every week that went by, I started to gradually look like my gray-haired mother.
When I finally went to the hairdresser to have a haircut, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I saw myself in the mirror- it was her spitting image!
Why did I feel bad? I did not question my emotions much until my friend introduced me to a book called Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Dr. Catherine Northrup. She helped me understand why my mom and I suffered from the same ailments and what could be done to heal at a deeper level. I had been struggling with tinnitus, uterine fibroid, and autoimmune decease for a long time. Would it be possible that my path to healing would be through my mother?
Our mothers’ womb was our first introduction to this world. It was through our mothers that we started to perceive it. Not only did we receive all the life-sustaining nutrients we needed, but also her emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. Did she trust in life in general? Did she want to be a mother? Did she feel supported by others?
All she went through was imprinted in our subconscious and will most likely be imprinted in our children and their children until someone makes a conscious decision to shed light on them. This someone could be you! When we try to cover up and pretend all is right, more suffering ensues. Nature is wise, and it shows us how to get to a better place. The sun is the best solution to get rid of the mold. If we have a bandage on a cut, it will not heal up.
With that in mind, I went on my emotional discovery journey. I explained to my mother why I was digging into her past, and I asked her to write her answers. I believe that writing allows the person time to go more deeply than speaking. I also told her that she did not have to answer any questions that she felt uncomfortable about.
Some of the questions I gave her were: How did you feel during your pregnancy? Do you like being a woman? How do you feel about your body? Do you enjoy being a woman? Did you love dad? I was hoping that her answers would help me understand how I felt about relationships with authority figures, my body, and perhaps anything else that would transpire.
When writing your questions, try to let the pen flow. In other words, go with your heart and not with your rational mind. Keep in mind that this can be an opportunity for her to also heal her own emotional wounds from the past. Once you receive the answers, I suggest you read it from a place of compassion and non-judgment. Try to find any commonalities and patterns. Also, notice the tone she used. Was she formal or informal in her language? Did she express her emotions, or did she stick to events and facts?
Our patriarchal society puts motherhood on a pedestal. It glorifies it as if being a mother is the most wonderful experience of a lifetime. The reality is very different when it comes to the nitty-gritty. Many complain about receiving insufficient help from their immediate family and community as a whole, especially those who need to find fulfillment outside of family life. How many companies can you name that have in-situ childcare? Moreover, the pressures for a mother to be perfect in her looks, attitude, and performance can be overwhelming at times. How many women do you know that do not accept their drooping boobs? This can cause an incredible amount of guilt and shame, which in time can cause havoc in our health.
When we understand the strain women are put under once they decide to be a mother, we can be more compassionate towards them and ourselves. Compassion is healing.