La Saboteur

Chapter 10: La Saboteur- Sabotaging Marriage

Marriage

The sub-conscience mind can do many things with or without acknowledgment or consent. A creeping fear of intimacy or abandonment will make us do strange things. Do we have real problems in our marriage and relationships, or do we create them? Disrupting a trivial and vain place with deliberate intent.

The outlook is bleak on all fronts, cowering into a hole so deep your partner’s efforts are a flashlight in a hurricane. Taking everything personally, focusing on the negative, and making it always about you and destroying others’ confidence to be right and love others with inauthenticity. This vicious cycle is repeated until it can no longer be ignored, and one day you will wake up wondering how things got to this point.

Focusing on things from the past may have been forgiven, but it is the only thing you can concentrate on. You cannot remember the good times due to the tragic childhood you experienced, a crutch you often use for your limp. You love to blame the other partner for what your needs require and how they are not being met. When you look in the mirror, and the only thing you can see is the background, we have trouble.

  • When it is your problem, not mine, avoiding issues in your relationship and not wanting to confront the problems before you can move on is a bad sign. If you are the only one who does not come to terms and face these issues, it may require professional help. A therapist can help you get to the bottom of things you are unwilling to acknowledge openly—a somewhat forceful look at what is needed and what is missing. 
  • Creating a pattern. You may be picking fights for no reason, giving you the fuel you need to stay angry and have an excuse to go outside your marriage. The fights over little things can start out small but evolve into a much tougher situation to get out of. Do not dump your gloom and low self-esteem on your partner for no reason, making them feel inadequate to handle a problem they did not know was there.
  • A safe space. Patterns of behavior can be easy to see but not so easy to solve. Make time to consider everyone’s emotional needs and give a comfortable space to talk about it. Some counseling, either marriage or individual, will require a little soul searching about what this relationship means to you and if you can rectify it without finger-pointing. 

The over-worked partner is often too occupied to be present and too incompetent to realize. Making someone feel like events happening are not the same as you see them or invalidate their feelings as real. Working prolonged hours so that lingering periods of anger and resentment rarely get the attention it needs. Shrugging your shoulders at big concerns and letting the dice fall where it may.

  • Huge waste of time. Looking for others to fulfill the needs you have that your partner does not can cause your spouse to always fall short. Not including your spouse in your desires and needs of feeling special while trying to get it from someone else can waste valuable energy. Leaving you only partially satisfied and fully disappointed. 
  • Sympathize, do not demonize. Being overly critical with your words can make your partner not want to be around you. The spouse in this marriage will always be picked apart for what they do rather than what is really going on. Low self-esteem can be a problem when it comes to being critical of your partner. When the mirror only shows one side of the story, you must look deeper.
  • I still call it love. Constantly defending your actions is never going to lead you anywhere but on the road of contempt. Giving up easily shows the lackluster of the relationship and can make the other seem not worthy. Date each other again and more often to find that once special connection. If love is the reason, then work on your issues together with constant communication. 

Putting others first before your partner’s needs is common in relationships trying to work in two dynamics. Concerning yourself with other people’s matters and not looking at your own can make you feel like you are dodging a bullet in your own relationship, but you have just made yourself or your partner a target in reality.  

  • Unfinished business. Making it your business to mend everyone else’s problems is a common deflection of not focusing on your own. Drama always has a place with you, whether it belongs to you or not. Aim to handle your own problems first before trying to fix anyone else.
  • Concentrate on your own paper. Do not always point out the mistakes of your spouse before your own. Remember, you cannot constantly be right in every argument, and it is not always your partner’s fault. Keep track of your own mistakes and tear up the tally you have for your spouse; chances are their reaction is because of you. Threatening to leave the marriage without a real reason means more than you think and should never be used to intimidate the other. 
  • We are in this together. Be encouraged to seek counseling if you want this marriage to work and believe in the love you share. Be open to taking criticism without being defensive. Encourage one another with an emotional and physical connection because this can be the one thing that can hold you back in your marriage’s progress. 

Sometimes when our expectations fail to be perfect, while neglecting, our partners can lead to a stalemate. Avoiding major issues to look for an exit will never guarantee an easy way out, making you bad. At a certain point, it is time to call it quits when you already have given up.

Being comfortable in a marriage is great but can often seem to choke on change, so make sure you are taking everything down with fortitude. Holding on to respect and love can open up real opportunities to make things right. Always back the goals your partner has for the future. Be mindful of your actions, stay connected to reality, and do it for the one you love. 

Angela Parish
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