Maintaining contact with an ex-partner can be challenging when children, shared social circles, or professional responsibilities require ongoing interaction. Establishing boundaries with an ex can help protect emotional well-being while making necessary communication more manageable. Relationship experts share two practical strategies for setting clear, respectful limits in real-world situations.
Define What You Need To Protect
Honestly, one of the biggest things I tell clients is that boundaries with an ex aren’t about getting back at them or shutting them out completely. That’s not usually realistic anyway, especially when kids, mutual friends, or work are involved. It’s really more about figuring out how to relate to this person differently now. So the first thing I ask people to think about is, what are you actually trying to protect? Your time? Your energy? Also, your kids’ feeling of stability? And your image at work? Once you know that, the boundary kind of makes sense on its own, even if you never spell it out to the other person.
When it comes to co-parenting, I usually tell people to keep things short and businesslike, like you’re texting a coworker you’re not super close with but still have to work with. You don’t need to catch up on each other’s lives; you just need to nail down pickup times and school stuff. Keep it simple.
With mutual friends, I think the healthiest thing is just letting them have their own relationship with your ex without pulling them into the middle of it. You don’t need play-by-play updates on what your ex is doing, and they don’t need updates from you either. If someone brings it up, you can just say something like, “I’d rather not get into that,” and move on with your day.
And at work, it’s really about staying consistent. Same professional tone every time, no oversharing, no venting to coworkers about what’s going on. People stop expecting drama from you when you’re predictable.
But honestly, the thing I remind people of most is that you can’t control how your ex acts. That’s just not in your hands. What you can control is how much access they get to your time, your emotions, and your peace of mind. That’s really what a boundary is doing for you.
Ashley Peña, National Executive Director, Mission Connection Healthcare
State Boundaries Clearly and Directly
There are a lot of elements that go into setting healthy boundaries, but most of them boil down to communication. The most important thing you can do is be as clear, decisive, and straightforward as possible when communicating your boundaries. For instance, saying things like “right now I am still dealing with a lot of hurt feelings; for the next 3 months, please only contact me if it has to do with work” to an ex who is also a co-worker would be a good start.
While you cannot make them respect your boundaries, by clearly stating them, you remove any ambiguity about when their actions violate said boundaries. When it comes to situations involving kids, mutual friends, work relationships, or other additional baggage, it is important to work out a way of navigating the connection that they may require you to maintain, while also not using them as weapons or bargaining pieces. The goal of boundary-setting is to solve problems and mitigate conflict, and this should be your ultimate aim.
Whitney Willborn, Clinical Education & Community Engagement Liaison, BasePoint BreakThrough
Conclusion
Setting boundaries with an ex can make ongoing contact more manageable when children, mutual friends, or work require people to remain connected. The key is to focus on what you can control, communicate expectations clearly, and avoid using shared relationships as sources of conflict. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling an ex-partner; they are about protecting your time, emotional well-being, and ability to move forward.
