It wasn’t until very recently that I realized if I wanted to be confident in my own skin, I was going to need to do some serious inner work. I began to read self-help books and listen to podcasts about stepping into your purpose, and I realized that answer to my lack of self-confidence had been within me all along.

Self-confidence is something I have struggled with my whole life. 

What I discovered is that I was disconnected from my spirit or intuition. I used to fight my instincts at every corner. Despite my body trembling or my heart pounding, I continued to put myself in positions where I was left to question my self-worth, my sanity, and my overall existence. I was also constantly miserable because I had submerged myself in a life that was not serving me. By connecting to and honoring my intuition, I have been able to sit in my authentic self. Despite all my demons, I am able to learn and grow from each challenge because I am learning how to love myself first.  

My lack of self-confidence leads me down several dark paths. 

I am not one to feel ashamed of my past; I try to be simply thankful I survived it. To feel as though you are not enough is something I think we can all relate to. Inadequacy is hard to outrun in our current society. It is a dark hole to be in. My hope for everyone who reads this is that you know you are enough.  

Self-confidence stems from a knowing. 

A feeling that, when you observe someone else’s success, it doesn’t make you feel less than or intimidated, but makes you feel empowered and excited. To know that if they can do it, then so can you. It is the ability to move forward in life, knowing that you are on the right path, even if you have missteps. It is all part of your growth. It knows that celebrating others’ successes doesn’t take away from our own; it only draws it closer because we are all one.  

Self-confidence is the emotions that come when you are excited about your own successes. 

The thoughts that tell you “I deserve this” or “I am worthy”. Listen to those thoughts. Hold them in your mind and repeat them daily. Words are powerful, use them wisely, and they can be your own personal cheer squad.  

Checking in with our gut is the fastest way to building self-confidence.

You are less likely to feel as lost when you are connected to your intuition. It is like your spiritual GPS. Pay attention to how you feel and where you feel it in every situation. These feelings exist to guide us. The more we feel guided and supported, the more confident we are. 

Self-confidence means standing in your authenticity, even when it feels uncomfortable. 

It is accepting that not everyone is going to like you or appreciate you. Sometimes they will flat-out hate you. Have confidence knowing that you will be okay regardless. It takes self-confidence to stand alone when it seems easier to blend in. Confidence is knowing that sometimes we are meant to be the outsider. Don’t fight it; while we are busy trying to fit in, we actually fulfill our exact purpose by standing out.  

Being self-confident takes serious mind control. 

Unless you were born into a family with little to zero trauma, our self-confidence could be negatively impacted even before we start going to pre-school. Overhearing negative conversations can impact the development of our confidence. If all a child hears every day from their caregiver is negative speech, even if they can’t speak themselves yet, they hear it, and they are affected. Self-confidence is a learned behavior.  

Self-confidence means becoming unattached to all outcomes. 

It means putting yourself out there even if you feel afraid. Do it afraid. Be brave and know that you are being lead to something greater. With every “No” you hear, say “Thank You”. Because behind one of those “no’s” is a YES. Self-confidence is the courage and the mind power to keep moving towards your dreams despite all the universe throws at you, remain tenacious.  

Self-confidence is going after a job that you feel underqualified for. 

Realize that you only feel underqualified because of the “imposter syndrome” that has convinced us we are not smart enough, good enough, educated enough, or ready enough. We ARE enough. We were born enough. We always will be enough.  

Self-confidence is the ability to walk away from situations that do not serve our higher purpose. 

It is the ability to create and maintain loving, healthy boundaries. It means knowing that sometimes we love people who don’t love us back. And sometimes we want people to understand us who are committed to misunderstanding us. It knows that we are all on our own path, and sometimes it is okay to say good-bye and thank you to the people who have hurt us because they have taught us more about how to love ourselves. When you finally can love yourself more than you love the people who hurt you, you will find your confidence.  

Self-confidence is a state of mind. 

Only you hold the keys to unlock it.

While it has long been understood that there is something captivating about spending time in nature, most of us can relate to the feeling that we experience after a long walk in the forest, a day at the beach, or an afternoon skiing. We enjoy the benefits of being outdoors without completely understanding the play’s mechanisms, which serve to enhance our mood. Increasingly, we understand that the great outdoors holds the greatest secrets to enhance our wellness potential.

Shinrin-Yoku

The Japanese have a word for spending time outdoors to enhance mental health; they call it ‘Shinrin-yoku’ which translates to ‘Forest Bathing.’ In some of the national forests within Japan, they have therapists on-site to help people expand upon the way that they interact with nature by doing things like walking, meditation, and mindfulness exercises.

According to Shinrin-yoku experts, we actually slow cellular degeneration and proliferation of free radicals in our bodies when we spend several hours per week outdoors. Phytoncides are cited as the mechanism which decreases the presence of killer cells in each of us by being outdoors. Phytoncides are something like the aromatherapy the trees exude, it has a slightly citrus and pine-like scent profile, and it is a highly active compound which is like a superfood for your entire body.

Blood Pressure

Blood pressure is also directly impacted by spending time outdoors. After a long walk in nature, our blood pressure is significantly reduced. As we know, high blood pressure is related to a host of negative health outcomes from the early onset of cardiovascular disease such as stroke; there is also a well-cited relationship where anxiety and stress increase blood pressure. It is clear that reducing blood pressure increases wellness, both with subjective increases to feelings of well-being, and it is even noted that those with lower blood pressure levels live longer! 

Oxygenation

Increased oxygenation is another mechanism explored to help us understand what nature is so beneficial to us. The trees decrease carbon dioxide and increase oxygen, and there is some understanding that large tracts of forest contain higher concentrations of oxygen, which could benefit forest goers. As we walk or hike and increase our respiration within a place with high oxygen levels, our bodies are restored in magnificent ways. Oxygen is known to enhance feelings of calm and well-being. 

Cortisol 

Within a 2013 study published by the National Institute of Health (NIH), the study sought to uncover how nature reduces stress. The study structure measured cortisol levels in two sets of participants, a group that received a dose of nature y walking in an outdoor space with lots of greenery, and those who received a placebo, which was simply a walk in a city space. The findings were exactly what nature lovers had known all along. Working out in natural settings does result in added stress reduction and reduced cortisol compared to those who exercise indoors. People who exercise outdoors reported a great benefit, such exercise includes hiking, biking, and other outdoor activities. You might be wondering why cortisol matters; it is a hormonal stress marker that causes a cascade of physical responses in the body. Cortisol is powerful; it influences our mood, behavior, and even the way we store fat. When cortisol is contained in overabundance within our bodies, it leads to distress and disease. Science supports our understanding that we can boost endorphins and decrease cortisol levels by mindfully experiencing the outdoors.

Mindfulness

We do know that nature is best experienced when we step away from distractions such as technology, and we include all five of our senses in a subversive experience. When we practice mindfulness outdoors, we notice the feeling of the fresh breeze on our skin, the sound of the autumn leaves rustling in the trees, the taste of the morning due perspiring on our lips, the sensation of the earth between our toes, the dizzying visual of the depths unfolding after the precipice.

This is what it means to be totally immersed in ones surrounding. There is even some data that suggests that the powerful yet illusive emotions of ‘awe’ is best evoked by nature’s grandeur. Awe is an emotion that is most associated with spiritual or holiness; it can be life-altering in the magnitude of its impact upon a person.

Many of our minds gravitate toward shyness when we hear the term social anxiety. However, this mental health concern – known in professional circles as social phobia or a type of anxiety disorder – can be more serious than many people think.

Social anxiety is characterized by an intense, excessive, and irrational fear of social situations. This fear can surround common social situations, such as being judged or rejected.

More than 15 million American adults (totaling about 7% of the population) are living with social anxiety. As with many conditions, social anxiety can look different from person to person, as there is a spectrum of symptoms that people may or may not experience. Some people demonstrate more mild symptoms of social anxiety, while others experience what are called “panic attacks” in response to social situations.

Symptoms

People with social anxiety may demonstrate some of the following symptoms when they are in social situations:

• Blushing
• Stammering speech, or speaking in a very low voice
• Difficulty forming coherent sentences
• Rapid heart rate
• Nausea
• Muscle stiffness or rigid, inflexible posture
• Sweating
• Limited eye contact
• Difficulty breathing
• Fear of being judged, rejected, or ridiculed
• Avoiding contact with other people, especially those they do not know

Individuals who are living with social anxiety may naturally have a shy temperament, which started when they were a child and continued as they grew. Based on the severity of their condition, individuals with social anxiety may have extreme difficulty engaging in daily activities, such as grocery shopping, working, attending school, or spending time with friends and family. The absence of formative relationships and the inability to cope with feelings of anxiety can have a long-lasting impact on individuals who may never overcome their condition without appropriate treatment.

Some individuals have a more specific type of social anxiety that surrounds their ability to stand in front of a group of people. This may be referred to as performance anxiety and can severely impact a person’s ability to perform, present, speak, or do anything in front of large crowds whose attention is focused solely on them.

Treatment

There are several types of evidence-based, scientific treatments that are recommended for the care of social anxiety (and other phobia disorders). Most treatments involve some sort of talk therapy, as this is a good way for individuals to discuss their feelings at the root of their anxiety.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy

One particularly helpful treatment is cognitive-behavioral therapy or CBT. CBT is a talk-based therapy that individuals use to help shift negative, limiting thought patterns to those that are more positive and enable participation. Individuals use sentences that express their current beliefs regarding social anxiety and social situations and then create new statements that reflect a more realistic and healthy perspective.

For example, individuals with social anxiety may express the belief that “Everyone thinks I look bad today.” Trained therapists and mental health professionals can guide individuals to explain how and why they came to that conclusion while helping them understand that there is little to no evidence that supports that statement. Therefore, individuals slowly work to add and change words in the statement that express a more realistic viewpoint.

Over the course of therapy, individuals use CBT to tackle all of the negative beliefs they hold that pertain to their social performance in an effort to improve their function and decrease anxiety surrounding their social life.

Medication

Another way to treat social anxiety is through medication. Psychiatrists or other prescribing mental health professionals can recommend anti-anxiety medication (also known as anti-anxiolytics) to lower an individual’s tendency to experience anxiety in response to triggers. Because of the powerful nature of anti-anxiety drugs, it is recommended that individuals typically take these for only a short period of time.

Doctors may also prescribe antidepressants, which may be taken long-term by individuals who exhibit certain other symptoms of social anxiety. Due to the nature of this medication, individuals will not see a difference in their anxiety right away since it takes several weeks for the medication to build up in the body.

Additionally, some doctors may recommend that individuals take beta-blockers to decrease the uncomfortable physical symptoms of anxiety, such as increased heart rate and sweating. By lowering the likelihood of these symptoms occurring, it keeps the body calm. If the body is calm during stressful social situations, individuals may also feel more emotionally calm and relaxed.

Support groups

Individuals living with social anxiety may also find solace in support groups, which is when people with similar concerns meet in an informal setting and discuss their anxiety. Support groups are usually led by a peer, but in some instances, they are moderated by a mental health professional. This is not the same thing as group therapy, and the discussion is meant to be among peers who share advice to assist others with similar problems.

As with any mental health condition, individuals should seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional, such as a counselor, therapist, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are the only ones of that cohort who can prescribe medications, but the others can offer both individual and group therapy. It is important to remember that there are a variety of treatment options for individuals with social anxiety. Seek assistance from your primary doctor to get referred to any of the above treatment professionals for the treatment of social anxiety and other anxiety disorders.

Your heart races, your muscles tense, and you may even begin to sweat. You feel anger, aggression, resentment, humiliation, or annoyance. Someone offended you, mistreated you, or caused you pain, and you’ll never let yourself forget. And therein lies the problem. YOU never let YOURSELF forget. You relive the event, again and again, ruminating on the resulting thoughts and emotions, causing yourself undue excessive and prolonged grief and suffering without causing any distress to the focus of your grudge.

Holding a grudge is the feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will. It is the recurring process of recalling past events as well as the thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions you felt during or shortly after the event. You feel disappointed about unmet expectations. You feel victimized and seek understanding and compassion you believe were withheld. Although a grudge feels uncomfortable, many people are unable or unwilling to let go of thoughts and emotions, leaving themselves stuck in the past, unable to fully enjoy the present, or effectively plan for the future.

The more you relive an event, the more vivid it becomes. Repetitive thoughts and emotions experienced over a prolonged time grow in intensity, leaving you with a much greater distress response than when the event occurred. Furthermore, reliving an event does not mean you remember it accurately. The stories you tell yourself can be reproduced into a completely different scenario, confirming your suspicions and justifying your emotions. You may even create new thoughts and emotions as your perception of the event changes, compounding the effects of your alleged hardship.

Unnecessary stress caused by holding a grudge is not only revealed in uninhibited thoughts and counterproductive emotions; reliving an event creates a circular pattern of emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions, impeding your ability to learn and grow as well as causing illnesses or ailments.

Releasing a grudge and overcoming a distressing event from your past not only aids your healing and growth but may also lead to restorative attitudes and mindsets of others.

4 Steps to overcome a grudge

The importance of releasing and overcoming grudges is evident. However, the path toward freedom from the burden can be elusive, especially when recurring thoughts and emotions have created mental shortcuts and thinking traps. These overly rigid patterns in thinking, reinforced by your beliefs, narrow your field of vision and lead you to miss important information. The stronger the belief, the harder it is to change. When you experience recurring damaging beliefs, they become evidence for your thinking pattern, support detrimental thoughts, and undermine your resilience, effectiveness, and well-being by keeping you from seeing the situation accurately.

1. Acceptance

Things happen. More often than not, you will not be able to prevent events from happening. The most successful people I know are able to say, “That happened. Now what?” They focus on the learning opportunity and control what they can control.

Focusing on what you can’t control leads to fear, anxiety, and a victim mentality. Divert your attention away from the person and event while focusing on the lived experience and learning opportunity.

2. Ownership

Authority is empowerment. When you hold a grudge, you do not own the grudge. It owns you. You are giving up your authority and power and giving it to the object of your grudge. Take that part of your life back, so they no longer have authority over you. You can’t do anything with the emotion you don’t own, so process all emotions because all emotions are valid. If you feel it, own it with the intent of effectively processing and letting it go.

3. Accountability

Looking at all contributing factors allows you to analyze all potential causes, take responsibility for your actions, and identify areas needing growth and development. Talk to a trusted mentor or friend and give them permission to be impartial. They may be able to provide the perspective you did not consider. Your ability to see your part in the event will significantly impact your ability to learn and grow. In the case of a true victim, where the event was no fault of your own, a therapist or counselor can facilitate healing, but the decision to enter the healing process is yours alone.

4. Overcome

Forgive and let it go. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the action or behavior. You can move on and release your burden without tolerating further association with the person or similar behavior from others.

“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” – Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Working for the biggest media conglomerate in Canada was half the best job in the world and half what made me hit a wall. While working incorporates, the first thing I did when the alarm clock rang, after snoozing, was to look at my emails while still laying in bed. 

I would rush out the door without a packed lunch, earbuds in and heels. I’d stop to grab breakfast on the go and of course, have a coffee too. In the evenings, if I wasn’t working, I would go to the gym because I thought I had to, but in reality, I hated it. 

This fast-paced lifestyle was nowhere near healthy for me. I often found myself at the drop-in doctor’s office because of a strep throat, being sick three to four times a year… but I would brush it off thinking “oh it’s because of the weather changes” or “oh I’m just tired”. 

One summer, I did 180 hours of overtime, and I didn’t get compensated for it. I had no love life, and all the activities I had revolved around work. I realized that I was just a “number” and I didn’t matter as much as I thought to the company I worked for. 

Changing jobs wasn’t enough. My body spoke to me through intense chest pressure, a fast heart-beat, a sensation of gasping for air… I was starting to have regular panic attacks. I needed to start taking care of myself, and that meant putting myself first (instead of the performance level I thought was expected of me).

Have you ever had signs from your body saying you needed to care for it?

You might say “yeah yeah, I know I need to practice self-care, but I just don’t have time”. The thing is, you really have a choice. A choice to hit a wall, burnout, live in comfort instead of courage, or to choose you… because ultimately, you only have one life to live in this body, and I know you don’t want to end your life filled with regrets. Right?

It was when a friend took me to yoga classes that I started slowing down, de-stressing, tuning-in to what was really important to me, FEELING emotions, shedding layers or unresolved pain… and I found my Self. I found a part of me that was needing self-love, care, divine support and trust. 

So… is putting yourself first really crucial to living on purpose (and without regrets)? Here are 3 reasons.

#1 Self-care helps you step in your own power (and be more productive)

Has it ever happened to you when you arrive on vacation but you crash because you’ve given too much of yourself?

I remember taking on a family memory video project with my cousins for the Holidays, at the same time as being in charge of a major event at work, and ending a semester at Uni. I thought I was being successful because I was taking on so many responsibilities… But I ended up spending the Holidays with the sniffles and no energy. 

I was overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted… and yet I’d still managed to say yes to things that went beyond my boundaries. I thought doing more would make me more productive… when it was the complete opposite.

Living a fulfilling life means that we live in accordance to our desires and to our needs. Self-care helps us to tune-in to what those needs are, to what feels good to us, and more deeply, why we’re on the planet. 

How does self-care help us to do that? 

By slowing down, being in silence and tuning-in to our inner Self (instead of letting the “you’re not good enough” thoughts take over and actually feel “not good enough”). When we’re able to tune-in, we’re able to feel, hear and be with whatever’s happening within and around us and better react according to what feels honourable towards ourselves.

I do understand that silence, slowing down and tuning-in can be scary… but it really is a choice. If you are a driven woman who no longer wants to have stress side-effects and who wishes to stand in her power instead… then just take a few deep breaths from the belly, and feel in the presence of the Now. And see how good you feel just from taking those few conscious breaths. See how that allows you to have control over your body, your mind and your emotional state. See how you’re standing in your power just by slowing down. 

So is putting yourself first really crucial to living on purpose (and without regrets)? Here are 5 reasons.

#2 Self-care helps you to make decisions that make you feel soulfully good

One of my clients started a PhD because she thought she had to. All she knew was how to perform in an academic environment. But to complete her PhD, she had to work 2 jobs, drive 3 hours to and back from work, and had to study, cook for her family and be… She hit a wall and burned out! She hadn’t listened to what her intuition was telling her… which was “A PhD doesn’t feel good right now,” and instead she went with the “A PhD is what I should do right now”.

If she had a self-care practice when she came time to decide to go with the PhD or not, she would’ve been able to hear the intuitive voice. Respecting the voice is a practice of its own, I know. Choosing yourself can first remind you that answers are within you and that you’re able to make decisions you’re happy with, without looking for guidance outside of yourself. Especially not when you might be influenced by the “shoulds” and the “have tos” of the mind (because you want to do things “right”).

Does that sound familiar?

It is in times of silence and slowing down that we can hear the voice of the intuition instead of always making decisions from the ego-mind because of the fast-pace lifestyle. When we have a consistent self-care practice, we’re better able to understand what feels good to us vs what’s a boundary-crossing that we might regret. 

So what I love to suggest to my clients is to start recognizing when you hear your inner voice say “shoot I knew that”… because that’s your intuition who was talking and you didn’t listen!

And when we make decisions that we’re happy with, we don’t have regrets, we don’t feel like we’re going to a family gathering just to please our family, we don’t feel like we’re doing a certain degree for our parents, and we don’t work past our paid work hours unless it feels right to us because we’re able to recognize what our Soul wants (and our Soul has no judgement) vs what our ego “to show off or please” wants.

#3 Self-care is your way into optimal health (and to flexing the Mindset Muscle of Manifestation©)

I say this to my clients all the time: Health is more than just physical, it’s mental, emotional, and spiritual too. 

When you practice self-care, you’re better able to connect to what your body is telling you, physically. Tuning in to the messages of the body, like the painful back, the pressure at the head, the weight on the neck and shoulders, are all ways that the body speaks. When we listen and tend to what they’re saying, we can prevent illness, have the ability to change our mind guilt-free when things don’t feel right to us and address whatever is bothering us, emotionally, in a safe and supportive way.

Self-care also allows us to flex the Mindset Muscle of Manifestation© (MMM), which is all about choosing your thoughts. When we have a consistent (and prioritized) self-care practice, we’re in tune with what our thoughts are (and most of them are negative, pessimistic, judgemental and fear-based).

Just the other day, I was thinking that I felt weak and like a failure just because my plans didn’t come through… when it was all out of my control. I planned on moving to New Zealand, and then a pandemic happened! 

So flexing the MMM is all about being able to recognize the thoughts, stay with them to honour them, and then distance yourself from them. Turning harmful thoughts into helpful thoughts allows us to attract exactly what we want in life. 

For example, instead of thinking “what if it doesn’t work out… ever” when it comes to changing careers or moving to New Zealand, what if you thought “what if it works out” instead? Just doing this helps to rewire neural pathways in the brain and helps you become a master manifestor. 

I manifested a trip last January. I was visualizing myself at the beach with my friend Victoria, and I was having thoughts as if that trip was already happening for me. Well, guess what? It happened EXACTLY like that! Another example is that I just bought a new house. I manifested this house within one week because I shifted my thoughts from “what if we don’t get it” to “this is our house already”.

In order to:

• live a fulfilling life in alignment with our soul purpose… 
• to get out of feeling lost and not knowing where to go next… 
• stop feeling like you don’t have enough money, you’re not good enough or “it’s too hard”…

Only you know whether mastering your self-care is high on the priority list or not… but if you’re thinking “not yet”, then I ask you: “When?”. 

Implementing the foundational basis of self-care may be exactly what you need. Looking WITHIN for answers is the WAY-IN to being guided towards living a fulfilling life aligned with your soul purpose.