Ask Kristin Thorisdottir (Psychologist & Coach)
Recently, she got this question from a client the other day, as the lady was still thinking about her ex six months later. Plus, the lady was filled with discomfort when she saw that her ex was in a new relationship on Instagram.
Here is what Psychologist Kristin advises her client- explaining how she can move on from the past things. How can she engage her mind in discovering her strengths and living a life she always dreamed of.
Missing your ex is totally OK after the breakup. However, half a year is not a long time in itself. It is a healthy response to miss a person who has been a part of our lives for a long time, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would consider it a positive sign even, meaning she is in good contact with her feelings.
Besides, there is always a shock to discover when an ex-partner starts a new relationship. It is normal for mixed feelings to begin to surface.
However, one should think about what is considered a healthy response and if certain actions are taken, if it results in something unconstructive for our mental health.
The comparison trap
Due to easy access to social media, my client immediately fell into the comparison trap when she was browsing through her ex-boyfriend’s Instagram. His new girlfriend was older than her. Did that mean that my client was so immature? Did he stop loving her because she was so childish or perhaps too insecure? This new girlfriend seemed very confident with herself. What about when she had anxiety attacks? Maybe it was something that got on her ex’s nerves?
After overthinking this for a few days, she found how emotionally drained she was & sad. She even had a hard time motivating herself to go to work.
Focus on your strength, not weakness
I praised her, how diligent she was in listing up all her “flaws” and possible reasons why the relationship did not work out, and whether she could do the opposite as well?
Find reasons why he had been with her for 5 years; what did she have to give in the relationship? What did her ex especially praise her for? What is her strength, and how would she like the next relationship to be?
Additionally, she started to see her qualities after moving her thought pattern into a more constructive way.
Furthermore, were memories that started to surface from the relationship that she was often unsatisfied with and would not want in her next relationship. After shifting her focus more on the positive instead of the negative and taking the relationship off its high pedestal, she felt an increase in her well-being and began to be more content with herself.
We are all unique in our own way
It can be so easy to fall into the comparison pitfall instead of looking inward and recognizing our strengths. When we overthink things, we lose contact with ourselves & fail to be in the present; it can drain us of energy as a result.
We are all unique in our way, and even though someone else has certain qualities, we also have qualities that make us unique. Besides, it is very difficult to find everything we desire in one person. Thus your ex will most likely miss your special qualities in the next relationship.